Did you miss the debate last night? No fear, Velveeta is here to give you the highlights of the first Republican Debate. Yes, I said “first”. Now that they’ve whittled the field down to the actual party: straight, white and male; we can now begin the real primary process.

And boy did these guys set out to prove how straight and manly they are! Just look at the very last question of the night, "it's a Saturday night, if you were not running for President, what would you be doing tonight?"

Perry, being the manly man that he is was out of the gate first with his manly answer full of swagger and crotch-grabbing, "I'd be at the shootin' range", he said with an affected Southern twang a la George W. (By the way, you just know that somewhere in Texas there is a gay nightclub called..... The Shooting Range).

Newt tried to win over the average Republican party viewer with what he just knew would be a winning answer saying he'd be at home watching the "Championship college basketball game". Sadly, he'll be firing one of his researchers. Seems it's a football game that was on that night. Football, foot-ball, would have been the correct answer, but thanks for playing, Newt.

Santorum was quick to chime in that he'd be huddled around his family and also watching football, though one couldn't help but think that he just copied that answer at the last minute. I think if Diane Sawyer had asked which game he'd be watching poor Sandy would have burst into tears. Romney would also watch TV, more football. Ron Paul said he'd wait for his family to go to bed before he got out an Economics textbook, but we all knew that was code for "get on the internet and look at porn". I mean..... come on, a textbook? Sheesh! Huntsman used the moment to pull on the Nation's heartstrings by saying he'd spend his Saturday night drunk-dialing his two sons in the Navy.

But let's get to the meat of the debate where they asked about the icky topics like Gays (they all hate them, though Huntsman does believe in Civil Unions), Abortions (they all believe that Government should be just big enough control a woman's reproductive freedom as well as kill any doctor that performs an abortion), states rights (which gave Ron Paul a chance to show his Constitutional knowledge by talking about the rather obscure Interstate Commerce Clause which says we few states can trade with the Indian tribes), serving in the military (Santorum couldn't serve because he had a headache that day and Newt didn't have to because he's going to ride on the coattails of his Father who did serve), and of course they talked about who is the biggest criminal on the stage.

Just who is the biggest criminal and has the lowest moral turpitude? Is it one of the Muslim candidates with their creepy secret societies and fancy underpants? Or perhaps super lobbyist Newt who had to launder his money by buying lots of fancy jewelry for his child-bride? Or Santorum with his inappropriate gay-looking sweater vests? On this question we saw a side of Sandy which bubbled up from some deep dark secret hole during this exchange:


Oh SNAP Sandy! Your God came down and poked Ronnie-boy, right? Viewers could tell that Ronnie wanted to reach out and bitch-slap him right on stage. Too bad he didn't act on it, it would have made great Saturday night TV.
In the end, Moslim Mitt Romney was dubbed most corrupt by his friends on the stage. In fact, Newt was able to hit Willard on his tenure at Bain Capital all while plugging a film one of his supporters made and distancing himself all in one breath! It was awsome!



All in all the debate was a big snooze fest of boring white guys. Velveeta could have spent her evening in much better ways, but I am so dedicated to my job. And I would never want to get my facts wrong.

ADDENDUM:
Seems I got a fact wrong. I am learning that Mitt and Jon are not Muslims, but rather Scientologists. I apologize if I offended any Muslims.