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4F Exclusive!
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 10/05/2008 13:07:44

Velveeta Jones has a sit down with Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin!

Yes dear readers, recently, a group of people were selected to ask Gov. Palin questions, and to my utter surprise, I had the distinct privilege to ask the burning questions that the American people want answers to. Unfortunately, as I later found, the selection process did not seem to include those Americans that are often referred to as “elite” and to which I have now come to realize is just another word for “smart”.

How your own Velveeta was selected for this is beyond me. Though, for some reason, people assume that anyone with a Southern accent and any semblance of proper decorum, or conversely, a penchant for beer and NASCAR, to be rather dull headed and dense. This is a falsehood perpetuated by the liberal media I assure you.

Herein is my interview with Vice Presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin:

VJ: Gov, thank you for allowing me to ask you a few questions. I understand your hesitation and will abide by your rules to no “filtering” (as she claims CBS did) and to acknowledge that you will only answer the ones you choose. I have an awful lot of important questions and I want to get right to it, because I know I have a limited amount of time.

SP: Yoobetcha! Those being the questions that the people on Main Street want t’ hear. I’m talkin’ about all of you….. people just like me. Ya know, we go to the hockey games and we…

VJ: I’m sorry; I’m going to have to interrupt. With all due respect Gov. Palin, not that many people in America play hockey. In fact it’s kind of associated with States near the border with Canada, and well, Canada. I doubt there is much hockey on the Main Streets of say, Atlanta, South Central LA, or Wichita Kansas. Most “average” Americans, who live nowhere near our northern border, play basketball, soccer, baseball and football. For many of us, hockey seems to be, well, how can I put this…. a “white man’s sport” more akin to Polo.

SP: But I’m talking to the hockey moms and the Joe Six-packs that just try to live out each day. They just want the Government to leave ‘em alone so they don’t have t’ live in fear of one crisis to the next…..you know, the reason John McCain tapped me is because I’m just one of those regular people. I don’t belong to the inside Washington crowd.

VJ: Okay, so lets talk about this. If you think the Government should leave them alone, why do you want to be a member of this Government? You claim to be a “Washington outsider” but you’re running for the 2nd most powerful person inside Washington. You’ll no longer be an outsider.

SP: I’m not part of the Washington media elite, you know, I’m a maverick, like John McCain, a man who has served his country and always put his country first. You know, I’m not part of the Washington herd. I’m an outsider. A Maverick.

VJ: So, you’re saying that even when you (God forbid) are in Washington, you’ll still be an outsider?

SP: Under a McCain/Palin administration you just can’t expect two mavericks like me and John McCain to agree on everything……..

VJ: Um. What?

SP: So, yes, yes, we’ll be outsiders in that when I go over there and rule the Congress they will have t’ abide by the maverick policies that a McCain/Palin administration will bring. And that means we’ll be using our pens and takin’ names and makin’ people famous. All those tax and spend insiders will be reined in, you bet!

VJ: So, speaking of earmarks, which is what I think you were talking about, what kind of things would you cut? What kind of social programs? Things like Headstart?

SP: Oh, those socialist programs….

VJ: No, I said “social” ……..

SP: ….those programs would never get wings under a McCain/Palin administration! No way! First off, we got to do away with these elitist programs that do nothin’ to help Main Street America. How is a person ever gonna get out of the ditch if we continue to waste tax dollars on socialist programs like the Headstart? These people will always keep there hands up’n out and never go out and be…..look under a Palin/McCain administration there will be funding for programs, certainly, we’re not gonna just cut important programs that the people on Main Street depend on….. and I have some good ones, as well, that when I’m the President of the Congress will be inacted……. and then,

VJ: Like?

SP:… well like programs to help out the gays and such. We need to ramp into gettin’ those gay people some much needed help for their poor choices in life. As well as, let’s not forget to mention parenting programs for teens when they make that beautiful decision to keep their babies and of course….

VJ: Um, yeah. And, dare I ask, what about teaching creationism in public schools. I assume you want that as well?

SP: Oh no. We don’t want the hand of Big Brother, the Federal Government, to tell the local school districts what t’ do. Oh no. I will see to it that the local levels get the control of the school boards, rather, the school boards need to control their own boards, their people, and make their own curriculum and let the locals decide what is best for their students. But, in my opinion, I think it should be taught as an accepted principle. And yah know, that’s comin’ from the daughter of a science teacher, just a regular hockey mom. And I think that’s what the regular people want, yah know, the Joe Six-packs and such.

VJ: (smashing laptop on head) you keep saying that you’re regular, but it was recently reported that you have over $1 million in assets. Do you really think you’re a regular American?

SP: …. and a hockey mom.

VJ: Yes, we’ve established that…..

SP: Do yah know the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?

VJ: Lipstick.

SP: Lipstick.

VJ: ……….

SP: Yoobetcha.

VJ: Did you just wink?

SP: ……

VJ: Okay, let me, attempt to move on to some actual questions that people really want answers to. Things like you’re views on Foreign policy and the current financial….….

SP: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re outta time and I have t’ go get my infant. ‘Cause my 5 year old can’t baby sit him for too long or she gets bored and starts lickin’ his head.

VJ: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH……



 

42 comments (Latest Comment: 10/06/2008 12:24:02 by m-hadley)
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Comment by trojanrabbit on 10/05/2008 14:21:16
For those (like me) who missed SNL last night.





Comment by TriSec on 10/05/2008 14:23:35
Morning, folks!



Ah, Velveeta...I must disagree with this passage:



Though, for some reason, people assume that anyone with a Southern accent and any semblance of proper decorum, or conversely, a penchant for beer and NASCAR, to be rather dull headed and dense. This is a falsehood perpetuated by the liberal media I assure you.




That would be anyone with a Southern accent and without any semblence of proper decorum...(I know he's a fake Texan, but this "president" and his complete lack of regard for etiquette and protocol really drives the point home.)



My first experience with a proper Southern lady was as a 10-year-old boy visiting my grandparents in West Palm Beach for the first time. Their landlord was a descendant of the Southern aristocracy, and she still expected to be treated as such. She was introduced to me as "Mrs. Stevens" (widowed) and she was all so very proper, properly dressed, immaculate home, etc. Her accent was so thick (to a Yankee boy, at least) that I could hardly understand what she was saying...



In any case, so proper was she that I never did find out her first name.







But yeah, the beer and NASCAR thing, that's perpetuated by the liberal media, since we prefer wine and symphony, and anyone else is just uncouth.









Comment by livingonli on 10/05/2008 15:03:45
I guess I could be considered an uncouth Liberal. Oh geez shucks by god.



But I still don't care for NASCAR. :scratches butt:

Comment by m-hadley on 10/05/2008 15:39:29
Velveeta,

Are you sure that you are not ghost writing for SNL? This piece was spot on. For those who passed out before SNL came on last night - check out the video (thanks Paul). Enjoy!

Cheers,

mfaye

:gobama:

Comment by BobR on 10/05/2008 16:24:39
Velveeta does it again :rofl:



Like fine jewelry, good satire highlights the gems of truth by putting them in the proper golden settings...

Comment by trojanrabbit on 10/05/2008 16:38:10
Velveeta --- :rofl:

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/05/2008 16:44:37
VJ you are a genius! The Sunday blog is always the highlight of a lazy day.

Comment by livingonli on 10/05/2008 20:05:03
Giants kicked Seattle butt today. :banana:

Comment by velveeta jones on 10/05/2008 21:42:18
Quote by m-hadley:

Velveeta,

Are you sure that you are not ghost writing for SNL? This piece was spot on. For those who passed out before SNL came on last night - check out the video (thanks Paul). Enjoy!

Cheers,

mfaye

:gobama:




Ya know, I wrote this before the SNL skit and when I saw it I was going..... damn you Tina Fey! "You're stealing my thunder". :lol:

Comment by Raine on 10/05/2008 22:13:19




Hi Everyone!



Sarah get's her learning from Starbucks cups. Sorta.



It's been a crazy busy weekend. Velveeta I am sorry I never got back in touch with you. I forgot we had a thing Saturday night and well... I am sorry.

Comment by BobR on 10/05/2008 22:25:25
Quote by Raine:





Hi Everyone!



Sarah get's her learning from Starbucks cups. Sorta.



It's been a crazy busy weekend. Velveeta I am sorry I never got back in touch with you. I forgot we had a thing Saturday night and well... I am sorry.


Speaking of which - how was the rally VJ??

Comment by TriSec on 10/05/2008 22:41:59
Evening, folks!



A northern seasonal rite today....used up the last of the charcoal. We'll be putting the grill away now until spring. I'll pause here for the southern tier to gloat...







Comment by BobR on 10/05/2008 23:29:19
Quote by TriSec:

Evening, folks!



A northern seasonal rite today....used up the last of the charcoal. We'll be putting the grill away now until spring. I'll pause here for the southern tier to gloat...





*gloat*



Getting ready to cook steaks on the grill ourselves. We never put ours away. Even in the middle of winter, we're standing out there on the deck freezing our butts off, enjoying the smell of asian pork shish-ka-bobs smoking away...



*gloat*



Comment by Raine on 10/05/2008 23:38:15
Joe Biden's Mother In Law passes.



Sadly, it's the same day his son left mobilization before he leaves for Iraq. :(

Comment by TriSec on 10/06/2008 00:21:33
Of course, "freezing our butts off" is a relative term in Georgia.



I used to grill year-round, kinda gotten away from that.

Comment by trojanrabbit on 10/06/2008 00:27:44
A comment Joe Biden made during the debate sorta makes a point you don't really think about. It's hard to come up with the $60-70 a week all at once it costs to fill the Honda's tank, so it gets $20 spurts two or three times a week.



The price dropped another 5 this morning (from 3.24 to 3.19) so at least $40 got it filled up and I SHOULD be OK for the week if I don't hit any traffic jams.



I'm wondering if I should just turn the TV off, the Sox won the first two games where I just tuned in for a couple of minutes. They're losing tonight (yeah it's early, but Beckett doesn't look very sharp at all) since I've started watching from the beginning.

Comment by Raine on 10/06/2008 00:29:43
Quote by TriSec:

Of course, "freezing our butts off" is a relative term in Georgia.



I used to grill year-round, kinda gotten away from that.


It still amazes me that we can grill all year round if that mean anything tri. I think we actually grill more in the fall and winter than summer becuase it's just miserable to grill in the heat.







Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 00:30:45
Awwww! The Simpsons was dedicated to Paul Newman! Showing a Simpsonized Paul Newman on salad dressing bottle. :rofl:

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 00:31:51
Quote by Raine:

Quote by TriSec:

Of course, "freezing our butts off" is a relative term in Georgia.



I used to grill year-round, kinda gotten away from that.


It still amazes me that we can grill all year round if that mean anything tri. I think we actually grill more in the fall and winter than summer becuase it's just miserable to grill in the heat.









I really can grill year round with out fear of ass freezing. :neener!:

Comment by Raine on 10/06/2008 00:32:23
Great Ad from the DNC:







Comment by trojanrabbit on 10/06/2008 00:33:30
OH MY GOD!!!



:rofl: HAHAHAHA :rofl:



Best record in the AL HAHAHAHAHA

Comment by livingonli on 10/06/2008 00:36:06
Quote by Mondobubba:

Awwww! The Simpsons was dedicated to Paul Newman! Showing a Simpsonized Paul Newman on salad dressing bottle. :rofl:


I'll tell you what I told Robert Redford, it ain't a-gonna happen

Comment by livingonli on 10/06/2008 01:35:29
Did anyone watch Family Guy tonight?

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 01:37:47
May I point out that the Angels aren't based in Los Angeles, CA. Either city or county. They are based in Anahiem, Orange county. This is reason enough for them to lose crushed neath the cleated heel of the Glorious Red Sox of Boston.

Comment by TriSec on 10/06/2008 01:43:53
"Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim", I beleive is the official moniker....





Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 02:00:09
Quote by TriSec:

"Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim", I beleive is the official moniker....









Lip cosmetics on a swine.

Comment by TriSec on 10/06/2008 02:01:42
YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!



I bet you won't see a first baseman slide into the bag for the out too many times!





Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 02:16:32
Ari tripping on shrooms :rofl:

Comment by trojanrabbit on 10/06/2008 02:27:35
Quote by Mondobubba:

Quote by TriSec:

"Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim", I beleive is the official moniker....









Lip cosmetics on a swine.




Even more ridiculous than the Jets or Giants saying they're from New York.



Doesn't LA suffer enough with the Dodgers?

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 02:32:15
Mmmm still tied. :

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 02:33:20
Quote by trojanrabbit:

Quote by Mondobubba:

Quote by TriSec:

"Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim", I beleive is the official moniker....









Lip cosmetics on a swine.




Even more ridiculous than the Jets or Giants saying they're from New York.



Doesn't LA suffer enough with the Dodgers?




At least they are in the city/county.

Comment by livingonli on 10/06/2008 02:34:35
Not to mention our MLS Team the Red Bulls also play in New Jersey. They are supposed to move out of Giants Stadium into their own arena next season which will still be in New Jersey.

Comment by trojanrabbit on 10/06/2008 02:39:15
You know, even though this thing started at 7:30 it probably STILL won't end until Monday "morning".

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 03:10:54
White Sox vs Rays. That is just wrong.

Comment by BobR on 10/06/2008 03:12:06
Quote by livingonli:

Did anyone watch Family Guy tonight?


We did. Oh by the way, I don't know if you heard the news....







THE BIRD BIRD BIRD

BIRD IS THE WORD!

:rofl:

Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 03:15:31
Quote by BobR:

Quote by livingonli:

Did anyone watch Family Guy tonight?


We did. Oh by the way, I don't know if you heard the news....







THE BIRD BIRD BIRD

BIRD IS THE WORD!

:rofl:






Surfin' Bird! :echoplex:

Comment by TriSec on 10/06/2008 03:19:11
Larry Bird?





Comment by Mondobubba on 10/06/2008 03:27:58
Quote by TriSec:

Larry Bird?







No, Surfin' Bird!

Comment by TriSec on 10/06/2008 03:59:04
RRRRGH!



11th inning...



Gotta set a cap at 12:30.



: gets rally cap :





Comment by livingonli on 10/06/2008 04:05:07
Comment by BobR on 10/06/2008 11:59:57


The scene in which Peter brings Jesus onstage to refute George W. Bush's statements is a parody of a scene in Annie Hall in which Woody Allen brings Marshall MacLuhan from behind a pillar to put down a pompous movie critic. "You know nothing of my work!"


That was a funny scene, and I didn't even get the reference...

Comment by m-hadley on 10/06/2008 12:24:02
VJ,

I gave you a shout out on my blog post last night - Check it out. Hope everybody had a great weekend and has an even better week ahead :D

Cheers,

mfaye

:gobama: