Finally! A candidate that Velveeta Jones can wrap her hands around! Sarah Palin! A true fighter. A woman, a wife and a mother! A mother, who apparently, never gives up. Its obvious that her natural reserves have been drilled often - she has a barn load of kids. And not with silly popular names like "Lindsay" or "Michael", rather, strong names that will really make these kids stand-outs on the national stage. Names like: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. I'm sure that "Dirk", "Butte" and "Seedling" will be appearing in the future, since she still has plenty of birthing years left. She can even have them while in the job of VP. And, since she recently told us that she's not sure what the Vice President does, why not just make more babies for the "democracy spreading" that McCain has promised us for the next 100 years?

Poor, sheltered Sarah, she's not sure what the VP does? Well, here’s some things her predecessor excelled on, maybe she can find a few tips:

Do shoot your fellow lobbyist/friends/donors in the face while “hunting” at farms where they drug and cage the animals then release them for an easy kill.

Do set up a task force and have secret meetings with corporations (i.e. Oil executives) that have a vested interest to make and set policy and agendas.

Do try to convince us that you would not be a member of the Executive Branch.

Continue trampling on the Constitution.

But I digress. What is it about this woman that arouses so many of us? Is it because she's such a great role model for our Grand Old Party? What say's "Republican Values" better than holding the second highest office in the world, while toting around a 4 month old. Sarah Palin is a feminist in every sense of the word! (Excluding Roe v Wade).

She is also the best of both worlds: beauty queen and animal killer. This is a woman I can really get behind! Ready for the job? Oh hell yeah!! Here are just a few of her qualifications:

She can hunt better than Dick Cheney. And I love a woman who knows how to handle a big gun!

She's younger than John McCain. (She’s even younger than McCain’s two oldest children).

She looks really hot in black, which is good for all the funerals and somber ceremonies she'll have to attend as part of her duties. Remember when Dick Cheney embarrassed us all when he attended the 60th Anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz while wearing clothing suited for shoveling snow - green parka, lace up hiking boots, and ski cap with logo on it, - while the other attendee’s dressed appropriately solemn? We won't have this problem with Mrs. Palin. No Sir! She will be stylishly dressed in form fitting black, showing just enough hint of cleavage to leave us titillated. Accented by a flag pin that will be larger and outshine all others. This is a woman that does not need to wear........pantsuits.

In fact, I believe I've seen Mrs. Palin nee Miss Heath more than once in badly-made movies. You can picture her, can't you? She's the demure one with hair tied and glasses in place, tight silk top unbuttoned - but still conservative; that comes completely unglued at the sight of the copulating couple on the settee, turning into a complete trollop. A tried and true character device that has been used in countless porn movies without a hint of irony.

Anyway, I'm not sure she needs any other qualifications that she hasn't already culled from her years months of Governorship of the largest (land-wise) state in the Nation!

In fact, I have heard that many men and some women are very excited by Sarah. One friend told me that he has already pulled the lever just thinking about her! Oh goody!

She has told us everything that we need to know about her. Her husband is a commercial fisherman who is a four-time champion of the Iron Dog, the world's longest snow machine race. (Oh, he also works for BP Oil). She’s a “hockey mom” and a member of the PTA. Her son joined the Army on Sept. 11 (get it? get it?) 2007. She was a beauty pageant contestant, runs marathons, hunts and fishes.

Her neo-con credentials include:

Pro-life (criminals excluded) to the extreme. In cases of rape or incest, well, that’s just too bad. In cases where the mother and/or child might die. Very sad, but life must go on. (Taking that to its logical conclusion, if you are a rapist who impregnates your victim, you get to die. If the woman you impregnated has complications, well, she and the baby can just join you in death. Lovely.)

She is a Creationist.

She is a lifelong NRA member.

She is currently under investigation.

She is steadfastly pro marriage. As long as its very hetero(you-know-what).

Indeed, Sarah Palin will certainly bring out those “18 Million” cracks we keep hearing about. Won’t she? No, really, she will, right? She’s almost exactly like Hillary, except, well porn-star movie sexier and just a bit less of a supporter of those “rights” that some people want. Anyway, John McCain and the republican party are counting on the fact you won’t notice that. Just focus on the fact that she’s a woman!