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Christian Grey for President
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 02/08/2015 14:17:37

Good morning 4 F-ers. I had in mind to write todays blog about the backlash from our President's prayer breakfast speech. He won't call ISIS "muslims", he reminds Americans that we also burned people, the crusades were kinda bad, and the KKK is a christian group. Blah, blah, blah. Insert hysteria-from-the-right here.

But then I picked up my TIME magazine that came in the mail yesterday and opened up to a story about depraved sex, innocent girls, steamy hot perfect men, bondage, spankings, whips and whatever else follows. That's right. 50 Shades of Grey is about to be released. (<< there's a pun here I suppose, but it's too early in the morning and Velveeta has a head cold).

So, I'll be honest. I did try to read the book. Based on Amazon's best selling books I've usually found great reads. From them I read The Help, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society and Unbroken which are just a few examples of really good books culled from Amazon's list. Why not try this one? I purchased it for my Kindle without reading the "reader reviews". Big mistake.

Now Velveeta is usually one that finishes something; my plate is always clean so as not to waste food. Here though, I must admit complete and utter failure to read the entire book. Sadly, I didn't even make it to the first sex scene!

(It wasn't until later that I learned the book was a virtual knockoff of the books Twilight; another waste of tree's and ink).

I just couldn't get past the really, really, REALLY bad writing! Christian Grey has hands like...... his shoulders like........ his sinewy arms like ....... okaaaay. We get it. He's the perfect man. Every other man in America should just kill themselves because they don't have 8-12 pack abs, are taller than 6'3", drop dead gorgeous and are self-made billionaires with exotic hobbies and sexual appetites. Geez.

Don't believe how bad the writing is? Well, someone recounted a few of the worst offenders here:

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.
Or something. We get what you're going for, EL James.

And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells - comes the thought: He's here to see you.
The core of our frontal lobe, which is the area of the brain that controls logical reasoning, is telling us that this sentence is needlessly convoluted.

I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.
Definitely the first comparison that springs to our mind when we think 'red'.

His lips part, like he's taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. For a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position.
Not that these characters are self-centred.

He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.
Technically one of the main hormones associated with sex drive is testosterone, which is a male hormone. That bit of biochemical know-how is brought to you straight from our medulla oblongata.

Holy crap! He's wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and tray flannel pants that hang from his hips.
Holy crap! This is a running theme, by the way - Christian Grey doesn't just wear clothes. Clothes hang from him.

I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.
Yeah, this happens a lot. Ana has a really loud and obnoxious subconscious that's always doing dance moves in her head. We're not clear on whether she's actually supposed to be mentally unwell.

My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.
She also has a really loud and obnoxious inner goddess who's always doing dance moves. It's basically an embodiment of her sex drive and/or her vagina, we think. Again, we're unclear.

Credit: snarky comments by writer Emma Dibdin.

If you can possibly get through the fact that there is a God-like billionaire who is all these perfect things (we must assume, since I didn't get that far in the book, that his male appendage is of such length and girth that an alien hunter who visited our planet on a hunting expedition would hang it on his wall as a trophy), if you can get through his description, then you still have yet another hurdle. The character Ana is a 20-something absolutely beautiful woman who has never been kissed. A complete virgin in every way. That's right. A beautiful woman, in college, who is not mentally handicapped - at least not diagnosed - who has zero sexual experience.

I think you can see why I couldn't finish the book. Seriously. Last winter, I was trapped at Atlanta airport for a 7 hour unexpected layover. I scanned my Kindle to see if I had anything I hadn't finished reading. Anything, but that. I ended up leafing through a left behind "Men's Health" magazine until I found a NY Times crossword.

And now, lucky you, there's to be a movie! Can this top the corny meter for dullards as much as Twilight did? I'm thinking YES. According to Time magazine's article, if read between the lines, there was much fighting on set from the director and the writer of the book. Oh, delish! Seems said writer EL James, real name, Erika Leonard made demands on the set, once claiming "this isn't what Christian has in his bedroom". Wherein her fellow co-conspirators had to remind her that Christian is not a real person. Whoops.

50 Shades of Grey was banned in more than a few libraries throughout the country, and while I take offense at the banning of books, this one might be a rare exception. (It was put back in the libraries after some debate). I do not think that a book should be banned due to it's sexual violent nature - heck, I've read Last Exit to Brooklyn for crying out loud; rather because the writing is so bad. Shouldn't that be the real criteria for banning books? People wanted to ban Naked Lunch and other books filled with sexual references, but I say, let's just base it on writing! And based on the fact that I couldn't get past chapter 6, I'd say that's pretty much a low bar; because I've picked up "Highlights" magazine in doctors offices and read them front to back.

3 comments (Latest Comment: 02/09/2015 04:15:23 by Will in Chicago)
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