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Keep it Clean
Author: BobR    Date: 12/18/2019 14:15:20

Today is the day the House votes on the articles of impeachment. While it is expected to go along party lines, and while there will be some "defections", and while there will be grandstanding by certain Republicans (*cough*Gym Jordan*cough*) and attempts to introduce amendments, the bill is expected to pass. pResident tRump will finally be called into account for his shitting on our democracy and wiping his ass with the Constitution.

There's not much more I can say about that. So instead, let me go off on a muse about the "wiping his ass" part...

I know TV commercials can be difficult for certain products, especially those involving things we do in private - you know, like taking a dump and wiping afterward. How do you advertise toilet paper without being gross? Apparently, Charmin hasn't figured that out.

When I was young, there was a series of commercials starring a "Mr. Whipple". Mr. Whipple was the kind of guy who you'd suspect of having child porn on his computer, if personal computers existed back then. Instead, he lurked in the personal hygiene aisle, furtively groping packages of toilet paper while staring intently at the housewives doing their shopping, hoping to catch a glimpse of bare ankle. His brow sweating profusely, he hoped his lab coat would hid his raging erection, while the housewives playfully castigated him, saying "Mr. Whipple - please don't squeeze the Charmin".

The implication was that their toilet paper was so soft, it inspired pervs to abuse the rolls before they ever made it home.

While those commercials had a certain "ick" factor, they were nothing compared to the commercials being aired now. The current line involves a family of bears (sometimes red, sometimes blue) who have an infatuation with their toilet paper. In one, the parents are horrified to find a pair of their child's undies on the bathroom floor. Both refuse to observe their parental duties, and pick up their child's dirty clothes. How is said underwear going to make it into the washing machine? Will the implied soiled underwear just lay their and fester until it becomes sentient and walks itself into the laundry basket?

Fortunately no - the previous wearer of said undergarment bursts into the bathroom and retrieves the tainted cloth, to the surprise and horror of his parents. He proudly proclaims (in song, no less) that "I'm clean! My heiny's clean!" while dancing an energetic pas de deux with his previously discarded tighty whities. I ask - does this inspire you to choose Charmin over other toilet paper?... and how much did that musician sell his soul for to create that little ditty?

In another commercial, the entire family is rapturously performing foreplay with their rolls of toilet paper as the music swells. Suddenly, there's the record scratch and Mom saying "okay - this is getting kind of creepy". Really?... ya think? It's been creepy since the beginning of advertising - this is just the latest installment of "WTF were they thinking?".

Even worse is the tag line: "Enjoy the go". Enjoy "THE" go?... not "YOUR" go?... And "go"? I suppose "enjoy taking a shit" would be crass, but that is the literal translation. I am guessing most people see taking their daily constitutional as a necessary part of being a living creature, but even the finest softest least flaking toilet paper isn't going to make any person "enjoy" it. Just... gross.

Odd that in some circles it's referred to as a "morning constitutional". It kind of brings us full-circle back to the opening paragraph.

Come to think of it - have tRump and Mr. Whipple ever been seen in the same room together? Hmm....
 
 

4 comments (Latest Comment: 12/18/2019 16:52:34 by Raine)
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