Our guest blogger takes questions and gives sound, moral remedies to those in need.

Dear Gov. Huckabee,

I try to keep a nice yard, just as Jesus would want. I keep the lawn mowed and put down fertilizer, shoot rabbits, squirrels and other varmints that trample on it; in short, it's a yard that you'd be proud of. My problem is my neighbor. At night when I hit the sack at 8:00 right after setting the DVR to record Hannity, he lets his dogs out to run through the neighborhood. It seems they love my grass and target it for their poop. My neighbor seems oblivious to the damage they are doing to my pristine yard. He even turned his back on me as I had to stoop down and pick up the excrement while I was in my suit last Sunday just before church. Obviously he wasn't going to church. Should I turn the other cheek and love my neighbor despite his faults, or go the eye for an eye route and poop in his yard?
Signed,
Frustrated Homeowner.

Dear FH,
Why is this guy even in America if he's not a Christian? Burn his house while he's out and kill the dogs. God will forgive you when you ask Him.
Mike

Dear Mike,
My Dad and me used to watch you on FOX and you're pretty cool. Recently you said, regarding Josh Duggar, "the only reasons liberals are attacking Josh is because he has been a faithful warrior against the perversion of homosexuality". But isn't it good that Josh touched girls instead of boys? Also, can I touch my sister?
Rob in Kentucky

Dear Rob,
Thank you, it's good to know that my message is not lost on the youth in America. It is very good that Josh only touched girls, in biblical times he could have married them. Josh is no pervert. As for your sister, just don't forget to ask God for forgiveness and you'll be a-okay. It's like my buddy Ted Nugent sings in his song, "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang"

All right, baby
You see what I got here in my hands
I got it right in my hands
Just for you, baby
I think I'm gonna yank on it one time
Look out!

Wang dang, what a sweet poontang
A-shakin' my thang as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell

She's so sweet when she yanks on my meat
Down on the street you know she can't be beat.
Have fun,
Mike

Dear Mike,
I hope you become President soon and we can get rid of the nig in the White House after all it's called white ya know!?! What do about all the rag heads it that dirty up our country that Jesus gave us,huh? Will you kick them out? Cause there's this rag head that goes to my community college and has the nerve to scream at me when I call him a sand nigger saying stuff like "I'm a hindoo" or something like that. I want to kick his smug ass.
Sinsearly,
fox news rulez

Dear FNR,
Yes. Consider them gone when I win.
Best,
Mike