And so I did; now you should know that when Velveeta hears the word “evacuate” she hears “take a vacation”. Two weeks in St. Thomas should do the trick and keep me safe from this large overbearing storm named after Harvey Fierstein. After making my preparations which consisted of hiring Mexicans to board up the house, stock piling pallets of food, water, medicine and medical supplies (just in case), lumber and cleaning supplies and locking them away in a safe storage facility, I got on a cruise ship and headed to sandy beaches and cocktails!

Somewhere around day 4 or 5 or maybe 3 or 2 I was violently roused by resort staff while I was relaxing in the spa. It was all so confusing, something about someone named Irma who was taking over the entire island and I was being asked, nay, demanded, to leave at once! Well, who is this Irma that needs to rent the entire island and kick everyone off, even the locals? Perhaps it was the medication, but I really didn’t want to hear any more of this nonsense so off to the poolside bar I went. Oh, but everyone around me is in such a panic it was difficult to relax and enjoy my cocktail. The Ritz-Carlton St. Thomas would soon be hearing from my attorney!

The resort staff was unrelenting in attempting to get me to leave at once and not one to over-stay my welcome I booked travel arrangemnts to the Florida Keys.

Well, you can imagine my consternation when I was flat out told that I could NOT go to the Keys and furthermore that the Playa Largo Resort and Spa was shutting down! The unmitigated gall! I blessed the very unhelpful travel agent, because I’m a better person and I calmly told them that I would never be using their services again. Later, I did add them to the list for my attorney to deal with. I needed a drink so I sat in the airport bar and made my own travel arrangements. I don’t know if any of you have tried to do this on your own, but’s it’s quite demanding. It looked as if I had no choice but to accept a seat in economy class and travel with the riff raff and thugs! But you’ll be proud of me in that I was quite brave about it after donning my MAGA hat and taking half a bottle of anti-anxiety medication.

Back at home I was quite comfortable while many of my neighbors were whining and complaining about having no power, no clean water, no food, blah blah blah. Just so exhausting! They seem so ungrateful. I couldn’t stand all the negativity so I turned the volume up on my generator controlled TV and added more ice to my Scotch.

What did I miss in the news? Anything happen? All I saw recently was our amazing President Donald J. Trump hit a golf ball into Crooked Hillary and knocked her over. What a great and powerful golf swing he has! MAGA!