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Holy War, again.
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 12/27/2009 15:23:37

Breaking News and you're reading it here first. Velveeta has a second cousin that is dating a woman who is friends with a man who has a brother that is one of the interrogators of the Christmas Eve Terrorist. (Isn't that a great name for our hopless little failed terrorist. It's to subtly remind us that this is a battle of Gods. Our God will win. Good vs. Evil. Etc.).

So anyway, I have the info and you'll be delighted to know that............. the U.S. has obtained his "permanent record" Seems the old school threat of "this will be on your permanent record" is TRUE! And none of us believed it. Silly us.

Here's the poop on Mr. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. He was born in Nigeria and his parents worked in the U.S. embassy as typists. They wanted to Americanize him so when he was born they named him Addison Francis Mutallab. I guess they didn't know that both his names were typically feminine and he would be teased mercilessily in school. His record confirms that until he changed his name in 7th grade to Frank, he was beaten up on a regular basis. Parents should learn lessons from this: don't stigmatize your children or they may grow up to be very low on the job scale like failed terrorists or pimps.

In First grade at 5 years old Addison was put into isolation (similar to "time-out" except in a small window-less room) several times for starting fights or pulling hair. Once he had to be sent to the clinic due to a crayon incident. Seems he stuffed Crayola Crayons up each nostril - according to records, the colors were Midnight Blue and Cerise - and had to have them surgically removed. An FBI team is currently studying these colors to find possible hidden meanings.

In 7th Grade at the age of 15 (seems he wasn't a very good student) he changed his name as previously noted and dropped out of school. His permanent record does not end with his premature exit. Oh no. He found odd jobs as a grocery delivery boy as well as enlisting as an errand boy for the local drug running gang. Pretty much the same job only with different items in the bags. Which is why he failed. Seems our boy delivered a bag of uncut cocaine to an elderly couple while the drug dealers got a freshly killed chicken and some potatoes.

Thus began his second name change as well as a move to a large city, Lagos, in order to hide from the drug gangs. Now Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab he began his religious training. But not before trying out a few religions to see which one he'd take to. First up, a Baptist Missionary took him in as an intern of sorts. He was baptized as a Christian and began the tedious chore of learning hellfire preaching. How to fluctuate the voice up and down, to look sternly at each pew-sitter and to spit out the word He-lllll as if it was an entire sentence itself.

He began traveling around as a Baptist preacher until he was found by a member of Al Queda who gave him some pamplets for him to look at. At the age of 24 the evil Al Queda finally convinced him to give up his evil Baptist ways and to join them. It was the promise of virgins that convinced him to strap an explosive device to his legs and board a plane bound for U.S. soil. Seems the Baptists don't have virgins.

I suppose he didn't figure that strapping explosives to his lower body would render the virgins useless for his purposes. Guess he should have stayed in school and he might have had more sense.

Oh, and perhaps if the United States would STOP firing translators because they might be gay, we may have averted this whole thing which could have been a Christmas Eve tragedy instead of a Christmas Eve failure.


 

5 comments (Latest Comment: 12/28/2009 02:43:13 by AuntAzalea)
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