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The Candidates, Part 6
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 2011-07-24 11:44:55

Yes, when we last left, Velveeta had skipped part 6 because we had to save that number for our favorite GOP/Tea candidate, Mrs. Marcus Bachmann. Six, because of course, as she has said behind closed doors, that is the circle of Hell reserved for those that did not vote for her Senate seat in the 6th district of Minnesota. Heretics all of them! Don’t they know that Michele has a direct line to her God? Oh, did you think is was because of the district she served? Silly you.

Michele was born in charming a charming little town called Waterloo, Iowa, in a house that was just down the street from her hero, and a guy some little boys will always look up to, John Wayne (Gacy).

Michele met her husband, Marcus, while in college studying Law at Oral Roberts University (often called Oral Bob U, for short), when she attended an off campus production of “Show Boat” at the local Community Theater. They were married after a very short engagement period.

After the birth of their 3rd child, Michele quit her big-government job at the IRS to become a stay-home Mother, but she soon became bored and needed a hobby or a part-time at-home job that didn’t require any experience or skills and that wouldn't take up too much of her time; politics seemed to fit the bill perfectly!

Getting a job in the political arena proved beneficial in other ways. Marcus got his PhD in Clinical Psychology from an online school and opened up a clinic to make gay people not so gay, taking large grants from the state to do so. It was a win-win situation, helping Marcus with gays while keeping the bills paid at home.

After several years telling people the about how bad government is and how soon the world will be ending, Michele knew her mission must be the Presidency. And so, after dropping out of her Church - because the “media” would misconstrue the whole, “Pope is the Anti-Christ” principle that it preached - Marcus laid out the perfect outfit for his partner and off they went to Waterloo where they announced her candidacy.

Michele is running on the standard RepublicTea party core values; getting rid of anything that sounds like it might benefit working-class Americans, banning things that should naturally be banned (abortion, gay people, Hollywood movies, anything “Muslim-y”), restoring manliness in men (anti-feminization of American males) a cause that her husband is quite keen on, and, abolishing any government program that doesn’t make war related materials or keeps Corporations running smoothly. The usual stuff.

But what sets Michele Bachmann apart from the rest of the pack is her love of Liberty and devotion to country that has her telling us the truth. At least the truth as she see it; here are just a few of the many things that we were never aware of:

  • Many scientists who have Nobel Prizes don’t believe in evolution.

    Obamacare will have sex clinics on every corner while schools will offer free abortions in the cafeteria.

    The first shots of the start of the Revolutionary War were fired in New Hampshire. Which means my second grade teacher, Mrs. Harvey, lied to me.

    Most of the Democrats are actually trying to destroy America. Apparently.

    Teri Schiavo had brain damage but she was not terminally ill.

    Getting rid of the minimum wage will create vast amounts of jobs. (Suck it economist majors, she may be right about that).

    No one has been able to prove that carbon dioxide is harmful.


  • Those are just a few of the knowledge nuggets that are whirling around her vast and superior brain that she lunges at us when we're not prepared.

    Michele Bachmann in 2012. As President, you might be cast by Marcus as a lead one of his many variations of “Cats” or “A Chorus Line”.
     

    8 comments (Latest Comment: 07/25/2011 00:21:46 by TriSec)
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    Comments:

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    Comment by AuntAzalea on 07/24/2011 13:15:16


    Comment by BobR on 07/24/2011 16:29:32
    As Marcus Bachmann probably says on a daily basis: That was FABulousssss!

    Comment by Raine on 07/24/2011 17:20:15
    I think this is Perfect! Sparkly rainbow perfect!

    Comment by livingonli on 07/24/2011 18:47:23
    Nothing like a bit of fabulousness before I work the Nats-Dodgers game on MASN 2 (DC 50 is also showing the game but I am working the MASN 2 room).

    I need a vacation and a pool.

    Comment by trojanrabbit on 07/24/2011 20:23:35
    Food for thought, can we hope the rest of the world is pissed enough to do something?

    "The irony of the situation at the moment, with markets opening tomorrow morning, is that the biggest threat to the world financial system comes from a few rightwing nutters in the American Congress rather than the eurozone." - Vince Cable


    from here. Though I think he was pulling his punches by limiting it to "a few" right wing nutters rather than the Republican Party leadership.

    Comment by trojanrabbit on 07/24/2011 20:28:09
    Meanwhile, Sophie is putting on a show for me grooming her lady bits. She's definitely much more comfortable around here now. Good girl.

    Comment by Raine on 07/24/2011 20:57:04
    Quote by trojanrabbit:
    Food for thought, can we hope the rest of the world is pissed enough to do something?

    "The irony of the situation at the moment, with markets opening tomorrow morning, is that the biggest threat to the world financial system comes from a few rightwing nutters in the American Congress rather than the eurozone." - Vince Cable


    from here. Though I think he was pulling his punches by limiting it to "a few" right wing nutters rather than the Republican Party leadership.
    I'm getting a little nervous this afternoon.

    Not liking what I am seeing come from the press this afternoon -- boner is threatening to do this without the Dems - again

    Groundhog day was a great movie -- not really applicable to real life.

    (And smooches to sophie!)


    Comment by TriSec on 07/25/2011 00:21:46
    Howdy folks. TriSec is wiped.

    So, of course I'm heading to the lions' den to tangle with my right-wing friends.