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The Apprentice: Evildoer version
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 05/30/2010 14:36:06

Velveeta has just previewed the latest installment of "The Apprentice" thanks to all her blackmail photo's er, good friends in the entertainment biz. And let me tell you, THE DONALD has truly outdone himself with this next installment. How he could gather such an assortment is beyond amazing.

You’ll have to tune in to see full episodes, but here is a sneak peak of “Evildoer Apprentice”:

Week one begins with a simple plan: prepare and sell your lemonade at a children’s hospital. You’d think this would be a snatch for regular people, but most of our contestants just don’t have the acumen, much less pleasantness, to be around children and their parents.

First up, contestant Osama bin Laden and his partner Glen Beck. The morning did not start well when they argued about whether to use real lemons or lemon-lime mix that you just add sugar to. Beck held out after a serious quarrel that resorted to petty name-calling and mocking – let me tell you that Glen Beck has a nasty temper – and so the lemon-lime mix won out. We’ll never know if the kids liked the mix, they wouldn’t go near the wild-eyed lunatic looking man and the scary man with the beard, the latter of which kept putting some sort of liquid drops into the cups. When the kids would start crying Beck would scream at them and call them “little socialists who need their Mommies” while his partner could be heard cussing and hissing “death to America”. They sold no lemonade.

The next couple was BP’s COO Doug Suttles and his partner Eric Rudolph who was transported from prison and escorted by several armed guards. Some excitement ensues when Mr. Suttles argues with Mr. Trump as to the selection of his partner and it practically comes to fisticuffs. Mr. Suttles demands that his partner be someone that he’d “enjoy looking at” and not some “American redneck wanker”. His choice, Sarah Palin, is denied as The Donald says she is not technically “evil”, just dumb as hell, and therefore not qualified for his show. He goes on to say that if he ever does a “Vapid Celebrity Apprentice” she’ll be first in line.

Mr. Suttles oversees the production of the lemonade by Mr. Rudolph, constantly barking out commands to which Mr. Rudolph ignores. His lemonade uses organic lemons, filtered swamp water and real cane sugar. He makes a fabulous lemon twist accent for the cup and adds a sprig of sassafras for a stirrer. His lemonade looks so delish that if one didn’t know better, one might think he’s …… no, nevermind.

The kids don’t much want the Suttles/Rudolph lemonade, though they do admire it's festive looking cups and the tasty looking beverage, its just that Mr. Rudolph’s shackles scare them and Mr. Suttles keeps trying to give them $20 bills to “drink the stuff then just walk away- hurry, HURRY” which confuses them. They run away to the next lemonade stand belonging to contestants Dick Cheney and Zimbabwe dictator Robert Mugabe.

The Cheney/Mugabe stand does not fair well. The kids take one look at the mean old men and run away so fast that a young girl actually hurls herself down a flight of stairs just to avoid them. Good thing she’s already in a hospital.

By the end of the day almost no one has sold enough lemonade to raise money for the next job of the show, which was to throw a fund raising party for a charity organization that they picked.

The first show brings the first firing; the first contestant to hear the trademarked “YOU’RE FIRED” by Donald Trump is …… HA! This is where I leave you hanging so you’ll tune into NBC’s “The Apprentice”. You know you wanna watch!

4 comments (Latest Comment: 05/31/2010 02:39:56 by Will in Chicago)
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