It's a New(t) Day Author: velveeta jonesDate:01/22/2012 15:07:14
Let's face it, Newt Gingrinch nee McPherson will be our next POTUS. He is everything that republicans want in a leader, white (in his case he may have overcompensated), straight, Christian (and thus of high moral character) and he exercises his right to marry in that manly Christian "one man = one woman" kind of way. Sure, he's made mistakes, but can't you forgive him? He is after all, a great leader. His marriage motto: "if at first you don't succeed, try and try and try and try again, then ask your wife for permission to have sex with your mistress".
Newt takes full credit for writing the Contract with America while he was Speaker of the House under that horny President Bill Clinton. Newt also takes credit for convincing Ronnie Reagan to drive to Eastern Europe and knocking down the Berlin Wall, balancing the budget, reforming welfare, capturing OJ Simpson and writing and directing "Top Gun" with Tom Cruise.
Now that he graces us with his genius and acumen at being our President, he has issued a new and improved Contract with America. Here are some of the highlights:
1.1 Government and Operational Reforms Democrats, unless approved by the President, must caucus in the lower level storage room B next to the pile of boxes and between the radiator and the mountain of old desks and chairs. 1.2 Major Policy Changes Congress shall make no laws unless approved by President Newt before heading to the Senate. 2 Implementation of the Contract 2.1 The Fiscal Responsibility Act President will have line item veto on everything Fiscal 2.2 The Taking Back Our Streets Act Black and/or Brownish criminals, which are the majority of black and/or brownish people can get off welfare and have jobs in Hotels and Gas stations. Their kids will work as janitors giving them the extra benefit of occasionally being inside a school and maybe learning how to read regular English. 2.3 The Personal Responsibility Act See above. Keep our streets clean and free of rappers. 2.4 The American Dream Restoration Act One man one woman marriage. One man married to one woman but sleeping with at least one other (unmarried woman) and visiting the occasional strip club. Living the Dream, baby!
Well, this is just a taste, but you can see where it will lead. So, if you're a pasty white straight American, why wouldn't you vote for Newt? South Carolina did, and they have great taste! Just look at how fair they are down here. They even fly the Confederate flag over the State Capital to remind black people that they no longer have to live in fear!