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What to Get Your Repub for Christmas
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 08/04/2013 14:29:27

There are only 142 days 14 hours until Christmas and you still have no idea what to buy your republican friends? Well, Velveeta is here to save the day.

One of the easiest ways to find the perfect gift is to know their tastes. Let's take a look at things they hate.

Looking at the state of North Carolina gives us a great perspective on things that republicans hate. Generally speaking if you hate one thing you probably like that things opposite. For example, if one hated cold weather, they were probably happier in warm weather. Or, if someone hated country music, rock music and hip hop music, they might be enjoy listening to some light jazz. It's always a guess, but at least you're closer to the gift idea.

North Carolina republicans hate non-Christians. Yes, whether you're Muslim, Hindu or an Atheist the republicans don't like you and want you to die. They even passed a law making sure that North Carolinians don't get any sharia muck on them. So, they actually passed a law - H.B. 522 "Foreign Laws/Protect Constitutional Rights" but more commonly known as the "Anti-Sharia" bill, even by it's supporters. Originally, the bill also had some provisions to stop women from seeking some of their most basic freedoms on their own bodies; but somewhere along the lines the republicans began to understand the irony of a law preventing the incursion of sharia on its people while taking away the rights of women. So they took that part out and later added it to a motorcycle safety bill.

We see from this that Republicans hate non-Christians and women. They like men better. That is odd, because the NC General Assembly is mostly men. In fact they are 83% male! Shocking. Republicans like Christian men.

Looking again at North Carolina we find that the NCGA is rabid about protecting voters. Well, either voters or themselves, it's a bit unclear judging from this bill H.B. 589 The Voter Information Verification Act. Simply put, you'll now have to present a state ID in order to vote. You'll have to buy the ID, currently. I know.... this sounds like a poll tax - but come on they just don't want all those illegals voting. North Carolina, due to it's location is surrounded by all kinds of illegals that swim up the Yadkin River and relocate. This bill also lessens the early voting period, removes that pesky same day registration (it helped get Obama elected) and why should high school students get registration forms passed out to them in their civics classes? It removes that as well.

So, we see that republicans don't like voters. Maybe they like people who don't think. Ah! We must be getting closer, because:

North Carolina legislators hate teachers. They have all but taken support for public schools out of the budget, sent some of public school money to charter schools (which are smaller public schools but already had more money than regular public schools) and ended teacher tenure while cutting teaching salaries. The governor has a plan to fund schools with a 30 Million Dollar grant, however, each school must fight over it. I can see it now! Football games take on a whole new meaning when each team must fight to the death in order to secure enough money for basic school supplies. It'll be a BLOOD BATH on Friday nights under the lights of each public school. Oh, the NCGA also cut funding for protective equipment for school sporting events - ensuring we'll get lots of blood! OH OH! Even BETTER news - you can now bring a gun into schools (as well as bars if you're so inclined).

Republicans hate children. Actually, only if they are outside the womb. They LOVE kids if they have achieved implantation into the egg of a woman at the very second they arrive.

It may be that they hate only poor children. Looking at some of the other legislation they've passed, coupled with the above attacks on voting and education, it seems that it's only one type of child outside the womb they dislike. Programs like Head Start are gone; rules on Pay Day lenders are all but gone; budgets cut services to everything from transportation to public housing and 1000's of public assistance jobs have been cut.

Speaking of jobs, they've cut funding for any sort of jobs. They've trimmed the budget so far, that the Park Service has asked for volunteers to help fix damage on the Blue Ridge Parkway roads. If you're out of work this means you'll have time to volunteer to move boulders right? They want you to earn your money the way their NC hero - Art Pope - earned his: through inheritance.

So, let's go back: Republicans like men, rich children, Christians and who are uneducated. Okay, I'm getting a sense here.

Let's just go through a quick list to confirm.

They have a bill that requires teachers - the ones whose pay they cut - to teach incorrect science (abortions cause subsequent births to have birth defects and premature births)

They have passed laws to allow guns everywhere. Even gun silencers when hunting.

Closed all access to abortion clinics throughout the state.

Decimated education budget.

Will give you a tax break on your Yacht purchase.

Killed the popular "Tax Free weekend" that happened each year for school supplies.

Suppressing the votes of the working poor.

Giving a $41,000 tax break to those that make over $1Million.

Okay, that's enough. I think we've found what republicans like and I've come up with two perfect gifts for them:

A Gun, or

and uneducated White boy who believes everything in the Bible.

Don't know how you'll wrap the latter, but I suppose you could strip him down and put a ribbon on him having a Bible cover his "parts".

3 comments (Latest Comment: 08/05/2013 01:45:10 by Will in Chicago)
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