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ISIS Laments New Recruits
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 09/14/2014 13:18:21

A spokesman for the group ISIS took the media to task late last night for portraying their organization as "Godless". In the press conference a man calling himself Azhar said that the West is "Godless, we're not, but you are!" and said America and Europe would pay the price in suffering for "calling us bad names and teasing us about our flag".

"Okay, so we can't make a proper circle" he said, referring to the flag which is black with an odd shape that is not quite circle nor octagon. Clad all in black except for some white socks that peeked out as one of his trouser legs had caught in its elastic, the ISIS spokesman went on, "we have been back and forth with our marketing team who gave us this logo, and I must say, there was much discussion about it in our recent marketing meetings. Several brave supporters went to see Allah after we raised our AK's in the air to vote. Who knew that the bullets come down and kill people? But until we can hunt down our graphic design team there is nothing to be done. But believe me, they will be dealt with and I feel confident that we can fine-tune our logo to be just a recognizable as, say, the the McDonald's golden arch or the Nike swag." He followed up by proclaiming "Death to America".

After a few questions from reporters most involving whether they prefer ISIS or ISIL (they don't care and death to 'fill in the blank') and why they don't allow women into their group (women are stupid) Azhar got to the real matter at hand. It seems ISIS is having a problem with cultural appropriation.

We are plagued by all these, these, Westerners. And most of them are WHITE! Why must they take what is ours? This is a Sunni Arab group and we have all these people wanting to join. They wear our garb, carry our flags and, and, well they are just taking over. This must be how the American black must feel every time he see's a white boy wearing a baseball cap tipped to the side while wearing gold chains and Adidas jump suit and saying 'word to mother' or whatever. DEATH TO AMERICA AND ALL THE WEST. We have men coming over from the USA from places like Kansas as well as men from the UK and France. Why? Why must they do this? Even some women want to join. We don't take women. DEATH TO WOMEN.


He went on to complain that these new recruits didn't know about the lands nor landscape of what they were fighting for; giving an example of a Brit believing that Syria was the place where Shakespeare wrote the play "Cyrano de Begerac". Azhar dropped his head at this point and looked like he might be ill.

Another story was of a fresh recruit from Oklahoma USA who was excited to "get his hands on an AK and fire that bitch up in the air all day long".

Azhar says that his organization is begging world leaders, especially "the devil Obama" to "please, please stop talking about us so much and making us sound cool".

These people come in and they start to take control. Some have started a movement to have our color changed to something more 'exciting' and they are the ones who complain about our flag. We tell them, we are fighting to start an Islamic State stop worrying about the flag, but they go on and on about the color and the shape of the logo. They also want us to, to, stop using the word 'Jihad' because it 'sounds too foreign and makes no sense'.

Just go home you Western dogs. PLEASE.


He took no more questions once he started crying.

1 comments (Latest Comment: 09/14/2014 16:23:36 by Will in Chicago)
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