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Whats the Big Deal?
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 05/01/2016 16:15:34

Velveeta is at a loss as to why this new "bathroom law" in the great state of North Carolina is so controversial. To put it simply, all the law says is that if you have a dangly betwixt you upper thighs you belong in the room labeled "Gentlemen" and if you are devoid of said appendage then you belong in the one with a stick figure wearing a proper lady dress. How is this so difficult?

The only thing that this North Carolina law does is simplify things for citizens as well as employers. Not only does it keep perverts who dress in opposite sex clothing from using the wrong bathroom and molesting and converting children to their deviant ways, the law also makes it perfectly lawful and acceptable to fire a pervert, AKA LGBT person from their job. Even better, an employer can fire a person based on their ethnicity or national origin. And isn't this what freedom is all about?

In case you're worried, have no fear, if you are a Christian (as you should be) you are protected. This law is simple common sense!

What's the big deal about Harriet Tubman being on the 20 dollar bill? Why does she need to be on a bill in the first place? Why is a great patriot like Andrew Jackson being moved to the back of the bill? It's an American disgrace! Dr. Ben Carson thinks that Harriet Tubman should be on the 2 dollar bill if anything. I go farther, let's make a $1.50 bill for her!

As we learned from our history in elementary school, Andrew Jackson was a great commander of the Tennessee militia and a plantation owner with over 1000 acres of cotton crops. He was a great military commander and business man (similar to Donald Trump). His military acumen and steadfastness earned him the nickname "Old Hickory".

In 1817 President James Monroe ordered him to clear the brutal Seminole and Creek Indians out of Georgia and Spanish Florida as well as prevent Spanish Florida from becoming a refuge for runaway slaves. Jackson was so smart that he waited for the Seminoles to attack his troops which left their villages undefended and his troops ran back and burned their houses and the crops. He captured Pensacola, Florida, with little more than some warning shots, and deposed the Spanish governor.

Sec. of State John Quincy Adams used Jackson's actions in Florida to convince Spain to give Florida to America where it soon became the land of New York retirees, golf courses built over marshes, alligator wrestling, amusement theme parks and tacky roadside stands selling fake Indian tomahawks and headgear. Oh, and one of the homes of Donald Trump of course.

Jackson went on to become the 8th President and his biggest achievement was to make American even greater by removing those pesky Indians out of the Southern states and further SouthWest. This allowed the Indians to live and farm on beautiful land that was nice and dry and sandy; later they benefited from opening casinos as long as they were mostly white.

After serving two terms as president, Jackson retired to his plantation in 1837. Although he suffered ill health, Jackson remained influential in both national and state politics.
Andrew Jackson died peacefully at his plantation on June 8, 1845 while reminiscing about his many happy slaves picking cotton. He was 78 years old.

This great man needs to remain on the 20 dollar bill. Harriet Tubman was a criminal who convinced workers to abandon their posts and flee north to live off the government on welfare and food stamps. She later became a nurse and a spy during the War of Northern Aggression. She was basically the Black Lives Matter movement of her times!

I just cannot believe that she deserves a place on any bill and especially not on the most popular US currency, can you? Just imagine her sanctimonious face starring at you as you purchase wine at a gas station or, God forbid, slipping her face into a strippers g-string.

Yikes.

Next week: So, Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer?

1 comments (Latest Comment: 05/01/2016 21:52:10 by Will in Chicago)
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