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Johnson Weld: STAT!
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 10/23/2016 17:16:46

You may have seen signs around your town proudly advertising a thing called "Johnson Weld" and immediately thought it was a new male medical procedure. You were close; they are actually a comedy duo that is running for President of the U.S.A.

They met at a Phish concert in 1984 and began studying magic tricks with the idea of becoming a comedy magic act where Gary Johnson would do all the talking and his sidekick, William (Bill) Weld would always be silent. They would call themselves Johnson and Weld. After studying magic and card tricks for several years they learned that there already was a comedy magic duo where the sidekick was silent.

That's when they decided to go separate ways and enter the madcap world of politics!

They each rose to Governor of their respective states - New Mexico and Massachusetts - considered by most people to be the easiest states to govern. Johnson spent most of his time as Governor of NM working out at the gym, baking brownies and during his entire 2nd term, alternately following Wide Spread Panic and My Morning Jacket tours.

Bill Weld also served two terms of Governor, though there are no pictures or videos that ever show him anywhere near any state government building nor any records of him holding any press conferences. He did show up to a State of the State speech in 1994 but he was a day early and gave it to an empty chamber.

But now the duo has reunited to become almost President and almost Vice President! Committing to their characters, Weld remains silent while Johnson hits us with his intellect and charm.

Their platform is pretty laid back, for lack of a better term. Government? Too much work. They plan to do away with the IRS, EPA, NSA, DHS, NIH, HUD, HHS, USDA, DOD, DOL, FDA, DOT, PPQ, STU, WWW, PUD and #3N3X. Also, they have an irrational burning hatred of the Post Office for some reason. Just saying the name "USPS" or "postal" makes Gary Johnson start foaming at the mouth and Bill Weld go into what can only be described as an anger induced seizure.

Gary Johnson has said that has president, he will let Bill Weld run the country most of the time while he attends to other important issues. Weld, for his part, says that he'll spend most of his time ensconced in the VP residence building models of Marvel villains and watching pranks on YouTube. In his defense he claims that with all the cuts to government, it will "really just take care of itself."

Here's a clip of Johnson explaining...... something.



Meanwhile, the Trump Train continues down the track on a smooth run to the White House (soon to be called Trump House). The only hitch are a few women (13 at present count) who want to make a name for themselves and some big money, by claiming that Donald "touched them". Ridiculous!

3 comments (Latest Comment: 10/23/2016 21:35:36 by TriSec)
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