Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks to Daddy Trump, we no longer must be burdened with having to say "happy holidays" to all those pagans and other non-Christians. This is OUR season; why can't they let us have this one time of year when we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior by getting new electronic devices and plastic decorations? It's our time and we will say Merry Christmas again.
It's also a time when we reflect on our lives and our loved ones and what we and they need in their lives. Basically, we go shopping! With that in mind, I spent the last few weeks going to various functions and inquiring about what gifts people want. At these functions I would use alternate methods to get my information be it through conversation plied with alcohol or through outright snooping. Here's what I've found:
At a Roy Moore fundraiser I learned that Judge Moore is excited to begin his new career as a Senator! He plans to call himself the Honorable Senator Judge Roy Moore and already has a wish list started on various websites to have this monogramed on a briefcase, a scarf and several pairs of pajamas and a bathrobe. Any of these would be very welcome under his tree. He has also started a shopping cart at Glock for his monogram on the pearl handle of a .45 and a silver and camo painted 1911 9mm. Some snooping also confirmed that he has contacted Sprint to inquire about a new encrypted cell phone under a different name to be pre-loaded with apps such as: Snapchat, FriendO, KiK and Vaulty. If you buy this as a gift for him, do not put his monogram on it.
Donald Trump Jr had a party at his house though you wouldn't have known it was his as several trips around this high-end condo revealed no sightings of him. The only indication that he owned this was the requisite gold furniture that would look at home in a New Jersey mob's home or the Vatican, as well as large gold framed paintings set against gold curtains.
Anyway, I did find a notebook filled with writings and drawings about dissecting animals. There were pictures of family members and friends that had red ink and slices of the page along the eyes making them all appear warped and sad. Many had musings next to them. For example next to Melania's scratched out eyes and and large X's over her chest area, written in bold red: "Mother? No! Slut, mother, slut. Kill Fuck Kill" Sounds like he may be a poet and post-modernist artist! Perhaps we'll see his art alongside Dali and Monet in a museum one day.
The notebook did give me a few idea's for items under his Christmas tree. Maybe an African Hunting expedition. Sounds like he needs a vaca to me! Also, I did find a page of musing where he referred to himself as Paulo Von Murder - an alter ego perhaps? In this flowery prose he spoke of women as rare and exotic and dreams of putting them together in different ways. I believe with wire or twine. I'm not really good at deep, obtuse and philosophical writings so I'm not sure what he meant by this, but bottom line he seems he may need some cutting tools, wire or rope, crates and barrels. Oh! Maybe he wants stuff from the store - Crate and Barrel! Got it.
I snuck into Sarah Huckabee Sanders house. It wasn't hard, she leaves her bedroom window open. She loves clothing and makeup so that's pretty easy. She's an XL and her favorite colors seem to be bright green, bright red and orange. Her makeup is as follows: Maybelline New York Lash Stiletto Ultimate Mascara Tru Blends Ultra, Ultra, Ultra Concealer Revlon Sugar, Sugar Lip Gloss Sally Hansen Hair Ambush - Hairspray Cover Girl brand eye shadow - Gray and Black #4