Sorry I’ve not been by to visit of late, but this is Velveeta’s busy time of year. And, among other things I’ve gotten dreadfully behind in my thank you letters:


Clarion Fund
255 W. 63 Street
New York, NY 10001

Dear Mr. Clarion,

Thank you for the lovely, and quite unexpected, gift of a DVD entitled “Obsession, Radical Islam’s war Against the West”. I don’t know how little ol’ me qualified for such bounty, but I am never one to question my good fortunes.

I would be remiss for not properly thanking you for the gift; however, I do hope that you did not require more of a commitment from me, such as a review of the film. If so, I must be honest and inform you that an accident befell my sweet gift.

In my unwrapping excitement, the disc fell onto my tile kitchen floor, landing, as fate would have it, on the “play” side. While attempting to pick it up, I clumsily stepped on it and slide across the room! Sadly, and with great sorrow, I must tell you that through some bizarre happenstance, and with DVD still underfoot, we slide across the kitchen like a splayed gazelle on ice, over the room divide and into the great room with its rustic knotty pine floor, continuing into the bedroom and finally coming to rest in my bathroom at the base of the commode!

You can only imagine my horror and grief when I was able to retrieve my gift and found that it was scratched beyond repair!

I know that my carelessness does not entitle me to pity, however, should you find it in your heart, and, if you have any extra copies of your fine movie, then I would be most honored to get another. And, I will gladly watch it the very day that I receive it, which would most likely be the day I would vote.

Thank you again for your kindness.

Yours in compassion and abhorrence for all things non-Christian,
Velveeta Jones

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Mr. John McCain
McCain Palin Compliance Fund
Republican Headquarters
PO Box 89000
Michigan, 458900

Dear Mr. McCain,

Thank you for your kind letter and offer to have me join your coalition, “Southern Women Advancing McCain/Palin”, though your letter offered very little in the way of information at what SWAMP would do. I have a few suggestions as to what we could do to help raise money for the McCain Palin Compliance Fund.

First, I find it admirable that your running mate, Sarah Palin, wants to focus on “at needs” babies, at the same time being giddy with pride that her nubile young girl has wantonly spread for the high school stud and impregnated herself with another baby for our long war in Iraq/Iran et al.

I think that we should start a group, a sub coalition if you will, that focuses on preparing our young girls, the All-American ones naturally, for their impending service to their country. Using Sarah as a role model, we would mold these young girls into the baby machines of tomorrow! We will call this coalition Citizens United in Natal Training. Through C.U.N.T we will shape our next generation of young women!

Secondly, we could start a fund to raise money for research and training of at needs babies into our future soldiers! There is no reason that Gods “special” children can’t take part in His war on Islam! Certainly these young children can be trained to handle a gun, and teaching them at a young age is the way to go. After all, as Ronald Reagan said, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”. We’ll call this group: Special Child-Reach for Everlasting War, or, S.C.R.E.W.

I hope you like my ideas and find them a worthy substitute for money.

Yours in the continuing battle for our country,
Velveeta Jones

*********************


Dear Bank of America,

Thank you, once again, for the kind offer of 4.9% APR for yet another, VISA card. However I must, once again, decline.

Frankly, I must admit that I admire your persistence in my financial needs; however, at this time I find that I do not need to add to my collection of credit cards.

As I’m sure you’re aware, I already have 16 credit cards, all with balances due. One might think that I would be a risk for receiving another credit card! But I can see that Bank of America is a company that presents a picture of positive energy and hope for our country, and I commend you for that.

Thank you again and keep up the good work,

Yours in tree killing,
Velveeta Jones



Ah! Another day off to a good start. Remember dear readers; proper etiquette demands thank you letters!