I'm trying my hand at being an advice columnist. Since so many people are always asking:

Dear Velveeta

My 4 year old has horrible temper tantrums and I have read several books on how to control his outbursts, but still have trouble on a daily basis. I can't take him grocery shopping for fear of his crying and "I wants..." or even to our Unitarian Universalist services because he fusses so much. I've tried redirection techniques, time-outs, ignoring them, even therapy. I am at my wits end, please help.

Signed,
Desperate Liberal

Dear Pansy

Here is what you'll need, write this down: Whiskey, Xanax prescription, leather belt, cookies. When your little rug-rat throws a tantrum, take 2 shots of whiskey and apply the leather belt forcefully to his butt. Follow with a Xanax to calm your nerves. Every time he doesn't act up, reward his behavior with a cookie(s). At your "church" don't they teach "spare the rod, spoil the child"? If not, I advise you try your local First Baptist Church. Until then, keep the cookies coming for him and the whiskey for you. Be liberal with both.

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Velveeta.

Dear Velveeta

I am really in love with this girl that goes to my school but I don't think she notices that I'm alive! She likes the popular guys who excel in sports, and I'm not very athletic. I have a disability that keeps me from participating in contact sports, though I am our school champion in chess. I have already been accepted to MIT for my math skills and recently won a national award for a Robotics competition. I am thinking of having my braces removed and I am working with my dermatologist on my acne to have it shaved off. Maybe then I'll have the courage to talk to her? What do you think?

Signed
Shy-guy

Dear guy,

Yikes! That sounds horrible, how very sad for you.

Velveeta

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Dear Velveeta,

Do you believe in Karma? I think it exists! For example, look what happened to Michael Vick. After being courted by the Falcons and paid handsomely, he got involved in dog fighting and now sits in prison making 12 cents an hour! He's lost everything and his dogs now live in luxury on a farm in Utah! They even have a wine named after them!

Signed
Happy believer


Dear Happy,

Its not karma, its just coincidence. How, for example, do you explain what happened to Gilligan and his fellow lost souls who got stranded on an island? Their only crime was to go on a three hour tour. A three hour tour! Once landing on this island they were forever lost, left to fend for themselves against giant spiders, Russian cosmonauts, gangsters, apes and other unholy entities with nothing to eat but coconut cream pie. What heinous act could they have committed to deserve this type of punishment? Hmm?

Velveeta

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Whew! This may be too much for little ol’ me..........