When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s, it seemed that there were a couple of things you could rely on: conservatives would always support the US no matter what, and religious conservatives would always refer to the King James Version of the Bible as the "authentic" version of that book. The Moral Majority was pretty much founded on these two principles. And they succeeded in intimidating lawmakers, packing school boards and generally making people long for the good old days of Roger Williams and William Penn.

Recently, however, the religious and patriotic Right have seen their respective stars diminish as liberals and moderates have attempted to take back the moral and patriotic high ground. In the aftermath of the 2008 election, it even appears to have made conservatives go a little... what's the word I'm looking for? Ohhhhh yes: crazy! Witness the following examples and see for yourself


EXAMPLE 1: The recent Olympic bid. To be frank, there was at best an outside chance that the 2016 summer Olympics were coming to Chicago. The US has hosted the Games eight times in its modern history; four in the past 30 years alone. However, when the US has had a horse in the race for an Olympic bid, Americans of all political persuasions have at least offered a modicum of moral support for the games. As the deadline for the Games approached, the conservative noise machine began to scream about how awful it would be if Chicago got the bid. Some tried to couch it in economic terms, but others let their naked hatred of Barack Obama shine through. And when it was finally announced that Chicago would not get the games, the conservative world seemed to light up with glee.



So now conservatives, who went apoplectic if a progressive even suggested that America was on the wrong side of an issue, find it okay to cheer and high-five one another when the US loses an Olympic bid. Stay classy, guys.

EXAMPLE 2: The Conservative Bible project. For decades now, I have heard from conservative Christians that the King James Version of the Bible is the only true translation. I have even heard some people make the amazing claim that the KJV is "God's official word", negating the fact that there were many translations before it, even in English.

Well, now it appears that the KJV is no longer fitting for some conservatives. Last week, the folks who brought us Conservapedia (the online encyclopedia for those who think Wikipedia has it out for the Right) announced it was launching a project to rework the Bible to make it more conservative. According to the website introduction, "As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies..." their views of the world. Apparently, the Bible that has been sued for generations to justify banning dancing, harassing gays and condone racism is just not conservative enough anymore.

This is not to say that they don't have a right to do this. People have modified and retranslated the Bible for centuries, to suit their needs. Thomas Jefferson himself edited the New Testament down in an effort to make Jesus more human. However, for a conservative group to say that the B-I-B-L-E is no longer good enough for them is a bit of a head-scratcher. Regardless, it's still not quite as confusing as

EXAMPLE 3: This.

When I first saw this posted on Wonkette, I thought it was a joke. When I clicked on the link, however, I was proven wrong. Dead wrong. This painting, "One Nation Under God" by Jon McNaughton, looks like the perfect storm of conservative patriotism and rightie fundamentalism. Jesus, who appears to be wearing a robe with the Tree of Gondor stitched into it, is presenting the constitution to a boy, while historical figures surround Him and archetypes kneel before him. In case you are confused, the artist even has a handy interactive guide to the painting, explaining all the details (like all great artists do).

You'll notice that the "good" archetypes (a Marine, a woman with a handicapped baby, an immigrant "seeing the light") are all at Jesus' right hand (the good one), and all the "bad" people (college professor, liberal news reporter, Hollywood actor) are all to his left. The guy doing the double facepalm closest to us? That's a Supreme Court justice weeping over the "wrong" decisions made over the past 230 years (mouse over them, I dares ya). Behind Jesus, are many historic figures who have his back, including Abraham Lincoln (doing his best Al Jolson), Thomas Paine (misspelled "Payne", and apparently put in despite the fact that he was at BEST agnostic), and an African-American soldier.



The story here is, originally this was supposed to be Martin Luther King Jr., but the family of MLK declined to let the artist use his image in the painting, so he made him a generic soldier who just happens to be named "King". The entire interactive map is a wonder to behold. From the WTF pronouncement that some of the fifty stars in his painting are "brighter than others", to the bizarre disclaimer regarding the money-grubbing lawyer, to this - the barely masked hatred he has for college professors:



In any event, "In God We Trust" has resulted in an epic thread on FARK, and has inspired a parody on another website. The artist has even taken note of his increase in traffic, saying that he has been under attack from "liberal blogs". Maybe so, but as long as he doesn't make a bid for the Olympics or try to change the Bible, he'll always have interest from art buyers who think Thomas Kinkade is just a bit too high-falutin'.