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Velveeta the Decider!
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 02/10/2008 13:26:30

What better thing to do on a Sunday then lay in bed and day dream about how much better things would be if I were in charge. So over coffee and cheese grits I’ll just jot down a few things I want changed, while the world outside me flutters and flails into the abyss of the putrid trash heap we have created.

First up. Solving the biggest problem facing our great country today: Stupidity. Our last Decider brought an abundance of the stuff. In fact, this country is awash in stupidity and decisive action must be taken quickly to halt it. The obvious solution is a tax on stupid people.

Now, I am willing to consider, should Congress balk, with a proportional tax based on how stupid a person is. For example a person that occasionally watches a game show on TV, is not as stupid as a person that doesn’t think mankind has had any affect on the planet and is therefore not in any way responsible for global warming. However, a person that stays glued to a television, watching every reality show ever made and is up to date on the current jail/rehab status of Britney, Lindsay and Paris at any given moment, is, at the very least equal to a neo-con who doesn’t believe in global warming or evolution. Subscription(s) to People and/or Star magazine(s) notwithstanding.

Of course, your Decider is not without compassion. The real kind, not the phony “I’ll-say-I-care-about-you-and-want-to-help-you-while-your-homes-and-jobs-are-washed-away-by natural-disasters-and-then-complain-aloud-why-you-didn’t-leave-or-get-out-of-the-way-sooner” kind of compassionate person. No, no, Velveeta will only tax those whose brains have the capacity for being smart, but choose not to. After all, there must be incentive for stupid people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and rise above their situation in life - and they would thereby be rewarded by paying little or no Stupid Tax.


How to keep this problem from becoming an even larger epidemic will involve many scientists and other smart people consulting with Velveeta the decider. But based on this evidence from Dr. Mike Judge on his Idiocracy study, we can see how stupid people have evolved. Though some, like our last decider, are admittedly an anomaly.

Here is a synopsis of his case study on the Stupidity Evolution:



As for Health Care, there is much discussion among all those pseudo-deciders as to what is best for the American people. Our countrymen and women have suffered long enough from listening to these blowhards and their complicated plans. Velveeta’s plan is simple: every non-stupid American will have the finest health coverage provided at no cost and paid for by Wal-Mart, because they have been screwing us for far too long.

My health plan will be uncomplicated involving no paperwork and will include drug coverage.

Speaking of drugs, It is always important to have drugs for those many ailments, allergies, phobias, conditions, syndromes, addictions, disorders, diseases and dysfunctions that prevail us all.

But these drugs need to be thoroughly tested on humans, otherwise we have the continued problems with side effects and interactions. Therefore your decider will demand that people who contribute nothing to advance our society shall be test subjects in order to insure the drugs’ safety. They will consist of pimps, pedophiles, hired killers, wife beaters, Corporate CEO’s, rapists and the like.

Concerning marijuana, this drug will be legal for use for everything from hang-nails, to cancer to male pattern baldness.

Under Velveeta, it will be acceptable for gays to come in the military, thereby pumping up our troops. Not co-incidentally, the military bases and barracks will get major makeovers and the mess halls will earn extra money through catering.

Based on the premise that all Americans have freedom of religion, every church in America will not have a leader(s). Instead, they will run on an Anarchist type system wherein each member will be equal to every other member. Those that wish to remain in a Patriarchal system will be considered a cult and required to put all their collected money, buildings, property and other assets, into a large pool to be split with other cults. In this way no one cult will be stronger than another.

And, speaking of cults. If you happen to be in an area that has a Church of Scientology nearby, today there are worldwide demonstrations! Why? Not really sure. But sure to be extremely amusing. I thought about going to Atlanta to see what’s really going on, but the price of gas coupled with my sense of activist priorities won out. Which is why I am able to sit in bed sipping coffee and eating cheese grits, with you. My friends.

To continue.

Being the tax and spend liberal that I am, Velveeta would repeal all property taxes except for multiple homes. Second home, pay up. This leads me to our ultimate tax. A tax that will pay for schools, hospitals, parks, and library’s: Over-Children Tax. This is right up there with Stupid Tax for resourcefulness! Velveeta is pretty darn genius if you ask Velveeta!

You see my fellow Americans, God intended us to have only two children per couple. That is why we have bunk beds and cars with only two back doors! Lets be honest. The only reason people have children is so that you’ll have someone take care of you in your old age. If you can’t breed 1 out of 2 that will be able to meet that challenge, then you probably never will.

But some people are greedy. They want to have many children which end up clogging our schools, parks, hospitals and make the lines longer for the rides at theme parks. As evidence I present the Duggar family, which yes, has a reality show. These people have 17 children! Shocking! What’s worse, they’ve named each child a name that begins with the letter “J”. This seems all good and fine until you start running out of “J” names, and are forced to name one of the little ruffians “Jinger”. Child cruelty if you ask me!

Want to have lots of kids? Under Velveeta’s rule, you’ll have to pay for any over two of them. Adoptions will be excluded, except of course single lesbians adopting Chinese babies.

There would be libraries on every block next door to the free health clinics and government funded rehabs. NPR would be played throughout America’s malls and Federal buildings.

I’m sure I have many other brilliant plans, but for now this Decider has a pressing duty to refill her coffee cup. It is, after all, hard work being the Decider. Ahhhhhhh.

Enjoy your Sunday

22 comments (Latest Comment: 02/11/2008 05:08:15 by Mondobubba)
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Comment by BobR on 02/10/2008 14:11:55
Holy crap, that was good! :clap:



Some comments:

However, a person that stays glued to a television, watching every reality show ever made and is up to date on the current jail/rehab status of Britney, Lindsay and Paris at any given moment, is, at the very least equal to a neo-con who doesn’t believe in global warming or evolution. Subscription(s) to People and/or Star magazine(s) notwithstanding.
My ex-wife would be paying through the nose!





Speaking of drugs, It is always important to have drugs for those many ailments, allergies, phobias, conditions, syndromes, addictions, disorders, diseases and dysfunctions that prevail us all.
Let's not forget Restless Leg Syndrome!





Under Velveeta, it will be acceptable for gays to come in the military, thereby pumping up our troops.
You couldn't have worded that any better... :rofl:





And, speaking of cults. If you happen to be in an area that has a Church of Scientology nearby, today there are worldwide demonstrations! Why? Not really sure. But sure to be extremely amusing. I thought about going to Atlanta to see what’s really going on, but the price of gas coupled with my sense of activist priorities won out.
I hadn't heard about this. Can you expound? Regardless, the price to stay here is free... ;)



Comment by TriSec on 02/10/2008 14:56:13
Ah, velveeta, I thank you for the adoption exemption.



But there should also be a tax on stupid people wanting to reproduce, and anyone wanting to have a child should go through the extensive vetting process that prospective adoptive parents have to go through to "prove" they are fit parents...





Comment by m-hadley on 02/10/2008 15:12:06
Heya Velveeta,

Can I come and live in your world? I've spent the last 72 hours in bed under the cloud of clinical depression - my generic meds just don't seem to work as well as the brand that the MD prescribed, but hey they're cheaper. This morning I crawled out of bed and logged onto my laptop and read your mahvelous post, and I feel better than I have in days.... That video was a laugh riot. Thanks mucho, Velveeta Jones - how I wish you were the actual decider!

Comment by livingonli on 02/10/2008 16:17:10
Hey there, VJ. Another awesome blog. Don't ever sell your writing skills short.



Hi Faye, I've gone through my own battles with depression and it has made me very lethargic. At least I have been glad to have my blog buddies to talk to these last few years.

Comment by m-hadley on 02/10/2008 16:26:47
Quote by livingonli: Hey there, VJ. Another awesome blog. Don't ever sell your writing skills short.



Hi Faye, I've gone through my own battles with depression and it has made me very lethargic. At least I have been glad to have my blog buddies to talk to these last few years.




Thanks Liv,

You guys are a true lifeline for me right now - Thanks mucho everybody!



Comment by velveeta jones on 02/10/2008 16:43:46
Thanks for your kind comments ya'll.



Faye, I hope you feel better. Some days its good to just stay in bed. Other days you need to pull yourself out of the funk.



That movie clip is a very funny movie that Mac McFadden turned me onto. Idiocracy with Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph, that will surely pull you out of your funk. (Provided you enjoy extremely low-bar humor, which any Steph listner would).



BobR, my wife found something about that CoS demonstration and alerted me to it. I would be in Atlanta, camera in hand, if I'd had more of a heads up. I do enjoy peaceful demonstrations that use theatrics instead of violence.



I lost the link, but if you google "Anonymous speaks" you'll come up with a plethora of info on the events taking place.

Comment by livingonli on 02/10/2008 19:05:37
Some days I wish I could just stay in bed.

Comment by livingonli on 02/10/2008 19:13:29
Listening to Rachel's show from Friday. Who has heard about the fire in the Pentagon or the Chemical Spill in the White House visitor's center or the stolen tanker trucks in Northern Virginia?



Rachel's Scooby moment.

Comment by m-hadley on 02/10/2008 19:20:16
Heya gang,

I spent the morning composing a new entry for my recently neglected blog - it includes a collage of a few of the unaligned superdelegates and I would appreciate your feedback, comments, critcisms, etc... Thanks for being here or there or wherever you are You all rock

Comment by velveeta jones on 02/10/2008 20:48:16
I just finished watching the documentary by Steven Okazaki, White Light, Black Rain. :shudder: Now I'm scared and have a headache from crying.

Comment by m-hadley on 02/10/2008 21:04:02
Quote by velveeta jones: I just finished watching the documentary by Steven Okazaki, White Light, Black Rain. :shudder: Now I'm scared and have a headache from crying.




Wow, Velveeta, I will definitely put this film in my NetFlix queue. I just read an interview of the director at the HBO's web site, and it blew me away.



Comment by Raine on 02/10/2008 22:57:11
:yawn: Took a long wonderful walk with the the pooches on loan... And now I am trying to re wake up. I feel vewy shweepy.



Velveeta, would you be the Mom of America?

Comment by Raine on 02/10/2008 23:16:27
Scourign the internets, and I am hearing that Obama is up y15 points in Maine with 65% of the vote in. Of course we have meet the press on MSNBC and Lou *I hate Mexicans* Dobbs on CNN... PLUS.. get this... BUSH is being interviewed on Faux...

Comment by m-hadley on 02/10/2008 23:17:59
Quote by Raine: Took a long wonderful walk with the the pooches on loan... And now I am trying to re wake up. I feel vewy shweepy.



Velveeta, would you be the Mom of America?




I second that emotion BTB, good to "see" you Raine



Comment by livingonli on 02/10/2008 23:19:47
Quote by Raine: Scourign the internets, and I am hearing that Obama is up y15 points in Maine with 65% of the vote in. Of course we have meet the press on MSNBC and Lou *I hate Mexicans* Dobbs on CNN... PLUS.. get this... BUSH is being interviewed on Faux...


I think I need an extra barf bag.

Comment by m-hadley on 02/10/2008 23:41:59
Quote by livingonli:
Quote by Raine: Scourign the internets, and I am hearing that Obama is up y15 points in Maine with 65% of the vote in. Of course we have meet the press on MSNBC and Lou *I hate Mexicans* Dobbs on CNN... PLUS.. get this... BUSH is being interviewed on Faux...


I think I need an extra barf bag.




I settled on MtP - the least of three evils



Comment by TriSec on 02/11/2008 01:57:03
: peers into blog :



Well...looks like a quiet Sunday.



We had some 'thundersnow' this afternoon, and a couple of squalls blew through...temps are supposed to plummet overnight.



Ah, winter in New England...



Comment by livingonli on 02/11/2008 03:01:20
Temps have already plummeted here in the Tri-State area. When I drove in and went out on my break, I thought I would blow away in the wind.

Comment by Mondobubba on 02/11/2008 03:20:14
All hail Velveeta! :clap:

Comment by Mondobubba on 02/11/2008 03:23:09
Tri, if my workplace was subject to the Geneva Conventions, they would be in serious violation. They were play G...yes Kenny G. Torture, pure and simple. Tri, hit me with the poem.

Comment by livingonli on 02/11/2008 03:40:44
Which is worse? Listening to Kenny G or watching Nancy Grace?

Comment by Mondobubba on 02/11/2008 05:08:15
Quote by livingonli: Which is worse? Listening to Kenny G or watching Nancy Grace?




They are about the same, one visual, the other aural.