Ok gang, get your pink and green plastic ray-ban sunglasses and your thin neckties and blazers with sleeves rolled up - we are going on a trip. Today Velveeta is your travel agent for a wonderful trip in centennial celebration of The Great One, The Gipper, our most Supreme President of ALL TIME... Ronald Reagan. (I'm assuming you've taken the time to bow appropriately).

Our first stop on our celebration tour will have to be Afghanistan. Yes, beautiful Afghanistan, a favorite destination for families, honeymooners and spring breakers, offers picturesque mountains lined with towering cliffs pocked with holes made from many bombs. Stay in beautiful downtown Kabul where nightlife is bustling - at least until curfew, and you're sure to meet many new and very interesting people.

Afghanistan is one of our biggest success stories, where America under the Great One, fought a covert war with the evil empire Soviets. We "won" the war, thanks to our support of the mujahidin and their leader Usama bin something-or-rather. Why, Ronnie even made the decision to equip the mujahidin with sophisticated U.S.-made Stinger antiaircraft missiles.

One note when visiting Afghanistan, women may want to pack extra clothes, preferably long coats and many scarves.

Our next stop will be the sunny resort of Grenada where we had the "lovely little war" as one correspondent called the 1983 U.S. invasion of Grenada. Officially known as Operation Urgent Fury, it was seen as a guaranteed victory. The Caribbean island, the smallest independent country in the Western Hemisphere, was no match for American military might. Many people ask themselves, "why did we invade this tiny little country?" Yes, many people ask that.

I've looked at a map, and it seems that Grenada is close to Jamaica, so just "google" Jamaica to get info on our trip. Seems like they have a lot in common (wink wink) so you know what you'll need to pack, (nudge).

From the tiny isle we'll board our plan for Iran, where we sold weapons to the revolutionary government of the Shah of Iran, Ruhollah Khomeini during 1985-86. At that time, Iran was under an arms embargo, but that didn't stop Ronald Reagan or senior members of his staff! The genius plan was to sell to our enemy which would secure the release of hostages and allow U.S. intelligence agencies to fund the Nicaraguan Contras. It was a plot so complicated and bizarre that all charges were dropped because no one really understood what was trying to be accomplished. Oliver North went on to fame and fortune as a radio show host and a writer.

Take your swimsuit! Iran is right on the Caspian Sea, and as a bonus, you can see Russia from there! Warning, pets are not allowed on the beaches. Neither is swimwear, alcohol, gambling, pork, Bibles, western clothing or dancing.

Once back in the good ol' USA you can finish your trip by visiting the AIDS quilt. President Reagan didn't like to talk about subjects that were unseemly, or about anything "homo" related. That's certainly not "Peace through Strength". As a consequence, thousands of our fellow Americans dropped dead due to the vicious epidemic that permeated the Reagan presidency. In his eyes, and the eyes of many of his fellow conservative friends, these people deserved their fate because they had sex outside of marriage and/or took IV drugs. Well, maybe not the children, but still, you can see how easy it was for him to not talk about it. Or fund a cure for it.

Anyway, home at last. Put your feet up and enjoy the Super Bowl, America's most grandest of games where large manly and homophobic men in very tight pants grab each other from the rear and throw each other to the ground. Pass the chips and salsa please.