Today we look at an exciting GOP frontrunner for Pesident, Mr. Donald Trump, or, as he is known is some circles, "The Donald", and in other circles as, "That Crazy Mother Fucker That Cheated Me Out of My Land and Flirted with my 13 Year Old Daughter".

Donald Trump is of German heritage (original family name was Drumft) and born in Jamaica, the eldest of 5 siblings to parents John C. Trump and his trophy wife, Swedish model, Astrid Kjellsson who everyone called "Petey" for some unexplained reason.

Life in Jamaica was difficult for Donald and his brothers, but he tried to keep up with his peers even though he was not very good at sports, girls, or getting tanned. His family eventually moved to the United States just as he was to enter High School, and once here, quickly enrolled Donald into Military school to straighten him out.

After graduating from Fordham University, class of 1948, The Donald set out to work for his father in Manhattan real estate. At the time, his father was doing great business by buying up Manhattan properties, kicking out the poor, uneducated and often non-English speaking residents then repainting and renaming the building and the neighborhood and selling the condos to rich Europeans who would turn around and charge more to money to working class New Yorkers. The Donald latched on to this business with much zeal, taking the reigns from his father and renaming the company The Donald Trump Real Estate and Female Womanly Modeling and Beautification School and Enterprises, which was shortened to Trump Enterprises.

Being CEO and being as loaded as his father made him, required that he be married, so he picked wife no. 1 from his modeling school and married Illyanna Lubovich Kesselstrom Vockner, only 8 years his junior. After he got bored of her he began dating what would be wife no. 2, Ivana Zelnickovia. He was caught in the affair when a newspaper journalist took his picture with Ivana and a barmaid in the back of his stripper party bus. He soon divorced wife no. 1 and married Ivana who gave him 3 children, Donald Fredrick Trump, Donald Johnathon Trump, and Donalda Christine Trump, the latter of which had, in his words, "great boobs".

Tired of screwing the poor, he set forth to screw with gambling addicts and the mob by opening several casinos in Atlantic City, Santo Domingo and Helsinki Finland, many of which fell into bankruptcy. (His casinos became the first ever to go into bankruptcy, which had been up until then, unheard of).

During one of his affairs on wife no. 2, he impregnated Marla "Chevron" Naples, a dancer at the Pool City Strip Club and Restaurant in Cleveland and Ivana filed for divorce. He soon married wife no. 3 who was only 26 years his junior and pregnant with Donaldia Cha-Cha Trump.

Life with an American girl did not suit the Donald, so he invested in beauty pageants so he could resume his extracurricular activities and still claim deductions for it. Marla soon divorced him and the Donald would remain single for some time.

His next venture, though short lived, was to become a wrestler agent with the WWE, but this did not work well for him as he could not maintain control of his hair inside the ring. But not giving up on TV, the Donald manufactured his own game show which he was the star, producer, casting agent, director, writer and sound editor called, The Apprentice, where he makes fun of people who cannot get work in their regular profession (acting, baseball, etc).

Stepping in to fill the void in GOP noms just seemed like the right choice for the Donald. His qualifications are that has many opinions, he is a good public speaker, he has written several books, he has had many extra-marital affairs, he has learned many tax loopholes, and he has been screwing people for his entire life (both literally and figuratively).

The Donald in 2012. Slogan: "You're Fired".