Well, this is it. The last Velveeta Jones blog of 2012 since I didn't get raptured last week as I was sure I would, I suppose I'll have to figure out something to write.

Velveeta presents: The Best Moments of 2012 (Remember when...)

It's been an exciting year filled with Mars landings, Occupiers, Syrian rebels, grumpy cats, Queens celebrating major anniversaries, cute Gymnasts and probably the craziest group of Republicans running for President ever. Sadly, the world did not end on the 21st as we all expected. So, let's see what happened this year.

In January 2012 Santorum spattered across the country after his alleged caucus win in Iowa. Rick Santorum won by a slim 34 votes after someone lost the ballots for 2 districts. And thus our political sideshow for 21012 began. Had Santorum won any other state many people, including yours truly, would have believed the in the Mayan prediction without a doubt. Later that month Newt Gingrich would surprise no one when he wins South Carolina.

February 2012 was rather uneventful other than Whitney Houston succumbing to her death from drugs. I'd always thought that she'd be murdered by Dolly Parton, but I was wrong. Unless.... where was Dolly that night?

April gave us the first North Korean rocket launch failure; keeping in the tradition of failures from the Kim family.




May, June and July are just complete blurs of Republican craziness and teabagger explosions. Music stars of our youth passed on making us feel older (Adam Yauch of Beastie Boys, Robin Gibb, Donna Summer and Jon Lord of Deep Purple) and to make matters worse none of them died from drugs or debauchery; cancer, cancer, cancer and heart attack. This only makes us feel even older. Though we did have a little storm called a Derecho in June that caused quite a bit of turmoil.

In July some nut-job walks into a movie theater in Colorado and kills 12 people and injures 38. Sadly, he forgot to kill himself. Thus begins - for the media anyway - our gun problem and the battle of "what do we do about this". The media will spend the rest of the year talking about the "NRA" and "gun owners" and what they want, and completely ignore the gun manufacturers that actually run the NRA and in no small part most of Washington.

July ends up being the hottest month ever on record in the U.S. and droughts plagued most of the country. But still no movement on solving Global Climate Change.

NASA landed the most expensive and complex piece of machinery on the planet Mars in early August, and almost no one pays attention. But both Nikki Minaj and the Biebs were on tour, so what do you expect? Later that month in space news, Neil Armstrong dies.

Also in August Clint Eastwood talks to an empty chair in front of 100's of stunned white people in Tampa. Millions more watch on TV, hoping that it will end soon and the damage can be repaired.

Mitt Romney gets the Republican nomination later that night which confirms that Obama is reelected.

In September terrorists attack an American embassy in Benghazi Libya killing 4 people including our US ambassador, which is good news over at FOX because otherwise they'd have to talk about Mitt Romney.

In October Hurricane Sandy hits the Caribbean then moves up to New York and New Jersey causing the death of 209 people, 96 in the US, power outages to over 8 Million people and an estimated 50 Billion worth of damage. Still no movement on Global Climate Change, but I'm sure those upper states are used to Hurricanes, right?

Someone noticed that Greenland was actually looking "green" in November. Most of the ice has melted. Sea levels rising. Anyone looking into Global Climate Change or, are we still talking about guns?

December was your favorite month if you're a mass killer enthusiast. On December 17 some crazy mother-fucker strode into an elementary school in CT and killed 26 people after killing his own mother with her own gun. This eventually lead the NRA's Wayne LaPiere to come up with a swell plan! Let's have armed guards at the school, because if only this madman could have been stopped by say, someone who owned a gun (like his mother) his kill could have been cut in half at least!



Just the other day, a man shot 3 police officers inside the police station wounding them before he was killed. I suppose we've now got to arm police stations as well.

Meanwhile in December, John Boner walks us ever so slowly off the fiscal cliff. His "plan B" was ignored by his own party; he now must be concerned about losing his Speaker position. I predict he'll hold the gavel hostage and the Capitol swat team will have to be called in.