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Ben Carson
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 10/25/2015 14:31:51

Who is this quiet man that has plunged Donald Trump into a state of depression so bad that he can barely keep up with his Twitter account. Velveeta dives in to find out.

Ben Carson was born in Detroit in 1921, he is 94 years old and would be our oldest President if elected. Though he is not as senile as President Reagan, Carson has been known to say a few things that show his age. Like this:
Its acceptable for doctors to use Fetal tissue from an aborted fetus as long as that fetus wasn't alive when the tissue was aborted.

Or this:
Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, [a mass shooter] I would not just stand there and let him shoot me, I would say, ‘Hey guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all'.

After college at Yale, Ben Carson decided to become a brain surgeon due in part to his violent fantasies. He believed that if he could figure out his own brain, perhaps he could control the voices in his head and his yearnings to murder his family and friends would be quelled. At the age of 23 while still in school he performed his first rudimentary brain surgery - on himself. Using a sharpened spoon he scooped out approximately 4cm of his brain from the Parietal Lobe. This seemed to calm him down quite a bit and allowed him to focus on his school work without dreaming about stabbing people. He was also able to speak to women and he soon met his future wife Candy "Cat" Rustin at a Longhorn Steakhouse where she worked as hostess.

The couple got married while he was in Med School at the University of Michigan where Carson planned to study Plastic Surgery for the Brain. Sadly, the University did not offer that as it was, and still is, not a real thing.

After school Ben and Candy settled down in Detroit and Ben opened up shop in a strip mall. His store "Brain surgery for Less" shut down after only 17 months due to so few clients and more than a few orders from the city Public Health dept.

His next business scheme was to write books and in that he excelled. His first book was an autobiography, which was odd because he was virtually unknown, called Gifted Hands. In it, he talks of the many brain surgeries that he as done as well as separating conjoined twins. Because the book was published by a Christian publishing company it was required ready by every student at every Christian school which is what made it such a success. This is true of all of his other books:

--Take the Risk: Learning to Deal with and Take Life Changing Risks while Remaining Calm at all Times.

--America for the Beautiful: Rediscovering What Made this Country Great for Those that Already Think it Is.

--The Big Picture: How to Make Money Writing Books with Simple Themes and Super Long Titles on a Budget.

And his most recent one "A More Perfect Union: What We The People Can Do To Reclaim Our Constitutional Liberties, Or, How I just Copy and Past the Constitution with Some Personal Commentary". I hear it's flying off the shelves in Christian bookstores.

Ben Carson was discovered by Fox News after his first book, they were in desperate need to find someone who could play the part of a conservative black person and Ben was great at that. Excited by all the attention he was receiving Ben knew what his path was meant to be: he would run for President and that would increase his book sales! Once President, he could ask Congress to make reading his books law.

And he already had plenty of opinions to vomit out. Like homosexuality is a crime. Gun violence is not really that bad. Abortion should be outlawed because it takes away freedoms. A fetus should have the right to vote. Muslims should be expelled from the world. Really good stuff; meat and potatoe for the GOP.

Currently Ben is leading in the polls in Iowa. And, when asked to comment on taking the lead he mumbled something but no one was able to hear him. But we do have some idea of his commitment to staying in the race when he once compared running for president to storming the beaches on D-Day:
What if on D-Day, our soldiers, invading the beaches at Normandy, had seen their colleagues being cut down — a hundred bodies laying in the sand, a thousand bodies laying in the sand — what if they had been frightened and turned back?
Well, I guarantee you they were frightened, but they didn't turn back. They stepped over the bodies of their colleagues, knowing in many cases that they would never see their homeland or their loved ones again. And they stormed those Axis troops, and they took that beach, and they died. Why did they do that? They didn't do that for themselves. They did it for you -- and they did it for me. And know it's our turn.You know, we have a lot less to lose than they did. And the people who are always telling me to hang in there, don't let them get to you. Believe me: Do not worry about it, because the stakes are much too high.
Actual quote.

Ben Carson moves slow; speaks slower, and says he can be a great President despite the fact that he knows little to nothing about the players on the worlds political stage. He see's that as just another problem that can be fixed with some minor brain surgery that he's planning on himself. Stay tuned.

2 comments (Latest Comment: 10/25/2015 16:28:43 by Will in Chicago)
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