Happy Easter everyone! As you know, Easter is celebrated on a different Sunday every year in either April or May, depending on where the esteemed ceremonial cockroach, Toby, poops on the mock-up of the new calendar just before they are sent off to the printer. Easter represents the day when Our Lord and Savior and his imaginary large Rabbit, arose from their cave and delivered peeps and Cadbury eggs to all the white children of the world. And, it should be celebrated by going to church, wearing pastel colors and funny hats, being kind to your neighbors and then cooking and eating the legs of little baby sheep with mint jelly.

Perhaps because it’s Easter weekend there is not much going on in the news these past few days. Sure, there is that U.S. captain being held hostage by pirates and we all pray for his safe and speedy return, but Velveeta has no access to this story since the wonderful folks at 4 Freedoms Blog refuse to provide her with a large, well paid staff that could do research on such stories. Then, of course, there is the Lindsay Lohan/Samatha Ronson breakup story, but it’s so over-covered that there really is just nothing much to see here.

And the Republicans are really busy with all their “tea-bagging” activities these days. I could never, NEVER cover this news nor condone such behaviors. What would the children think? I am just shocked. SHOCKED and DISGUSTED at these events, which I hear are being held out of doors for the entire world to witness! Velveeta will have no part in these odious sexual perversions.

So instead, I thought I’d let some of you preview a few Television shows that I’ve been working on. Would you like that? Good.

As you know, “Reality” shows are all the rage. Everyone loves them and they are so cheap to make. No talent required! All one needs to do is find enough people that yearn to make it as a “star”, pay some college students to hold a video camera and a boom mic, edit in your bedroom, add titles and music (optional) and viola! Television Show! The FOX network will buy anything as long as there is plenty of either A: boobs, B: hysterical crying losers that might commit suicide at any given moment, or C: fighting (preferably man-on-man or woman-on-woman).


Rich Man, Poor Man. This show is genius if I do say so myself. Remember the movie “Trading Places” with Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd where the two lives are switched as an experiment? This is based on that concept. In the pilot episode we’ve taken a family out of their trailer park where they just barely scrapped by on help from local volunteer groups and put them in a fully stocked mansion! The out-of-work Dad need no longer look for work, the two jobs Mom can quit working at the Wal-Mart and the Quick Stop. In their new life they have membership to an exclusive country club, a spa, and a vacation home on the beach. The kids will be transferred to a private school and have the newest, hippest clothes, electronics, cars and gadgets. The house will have a large staff to meet their every need and want. But here’s the exciting part: what will they do to continue this lifestyle before we send them packing back to their sad little dilapidated double-wide? Will they offer the littlest girl to a child pornographer for the opportunity to live for another year in the lifestyle of the rich? You’ll have to tune in to find out how far they’ll go! Hil-ar-ious!!

A similar idea is my show: Bigot Swap. you’ve heard of “Wife Swap” where a wife goes to live with a different family? This goes way beyond that. Imagine when cultures merge with their opposites! Chaos and hilarity are bound to follow. For example, we’ll send a neo-Nazi skinhead to live with a Jewish family for the high Holy week. Won’t it be silly watching him spew obscenities and raising his arm in the Nazi salute over the Seder dinner? In another version we’ll have a white gay teen learning about black separatism with a Nation of Islam family. Can’t you just feel the uncomfortable squirming? Funny, right?

Co-worker Cut-throat is a show that I’ve been working on for awhile. The downturn in the economy and all the job loses gave me the idea. In the show, we will offer a small sum of money to a company that needs to downsize its’ staff – instead of the bosses having to make the decision we let the workers fight it out amongst themselves to see who will lose their paycheck and benefits! This concept is a guarantee for great fights and sex scenes. Surly some of the women will wear flirty clothing and get a bit “friendly” (nudge-nudge) with their fellow office staff. Sure productivity at the company will go down, but we are making great TV here and sacrifices must be made. Oh wait. Someone has just informed me that this show is already in production at FOX. Damn. Well, no worries, I’ve plenty of other shows like these:

Sold into Slavery
Vivisect your Family Pet for Money
Worlds Craziest People - with Guns
Gang-Fight Club
Cook Good or Lose a Finger!
6-Year Old Super Model Hunt

Millions more of’em! I tell ya, Velveeta is a goldmine of ideas for these reality shows. And isn’t that what TV is all about; living in reality?