Dear readers, Velveeta has a gift, several really, but one in particular that humble modesty prevents her from displaying unless it is called for in desperate times such as these.

Why, you ask, are these times desperate? After 8 years of the oppressive bush/cheney regime shouldn’t these be the potentially good and hopeful years?

Many of you are filled with anxiety over what President Obama may (or may not) do, while others are already feeling “buyers remorse” at their selection. Take, for example, the nomination of William Lynn as Deputy Secretary of Defense. Lynn is a former lobbyist for Raytheon, and his nomination forced Obama to make him an exception to the newly released Ethics Guidelines that our Super Hero President instituted just the day before!

An exception to the new rule, already? And, he may not be the only one, hints Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

We expected Obama to enter the White House and install sweeping changes right away, and he certainly seemed to be doing just that. That is, until this snag. This is the kind of mind-numbing hypocrisy we endlessly saw from President Doofus. You know, like signing a law to help rescue and shelter companion animals one day (PETS act); then threaten to veto a bill to help homeless veterans (H.R. 3329) the next.

We wanted our Hero to put an end to party bickering by calmly and compassionately listening to their wants, needs and concerns, and then loudly proclaiming: “SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCHES”.

But I am here to save you from further angst! Fear not, for our Hero has not turned to middle ground – instead he is simply playing with the unseen forces that secretly rule our world.

Here, through my magical Brazilian Power Crystals ™ and a special blend of coffee, I can read the future. Here are just a few of the highlights:

* Bill Lynn, actually a whistle-blower and has been working with Obama behind the scenes to shine a light on all the wrong doings from Raytheon. Halliburton will follow.

* Former AG Alberto Gonzales will finally give up searching for work and will volunteer with Alzheimer’s patients.

* Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs will remain unreadable and unpublished due to constant run-on, non sequitur sentences that no editor can decipher.

* Condoleezza Rice will have a mildly successful TV talk show on Chicago local cable stations. Talkin’ Style with Rice

* Paul Wolfowitz will finally open that men’s hair salon that he always wanted. Wolfz Cutz.

* Karl Rove will finally be arrested, but only for the crime of public drunkenness and solicitation. On the plus side, it will be caught by the on board video camera in the police car, and he will be in drag.

* Dick Cheney will fake a heart attack while on trial for war crimes at The Hague.

* George Bush will finally get to be “uniquely American” by having 3 jobs: President of his HOA, Dog walker, and “Lecturer-er” (though he won’t get many calls for the latter)

So, be hopeful and don’t despair. We will not be let down.