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Velveeta has Decided
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 2016-03-06 12:57:12

Velveeta has come to her senses and is now looking forward to a Donald Trump presidency reign. Perhaps it was all that exhilarating talk of his penis size or the fact that a single white woman with a flair for accessorizing doesn’t have to fear the rowdy people at his rallies. Or maybe it’s the absolute power that he yields when he can hold up his tiny hands with his Vienna sausage like little fingers and convince us that they’re perfectly normal sized. That’s Commander in Chief material.


So it’s decided – we are all in for The Donald and giddy with excitement at seeing what First Lady Melanoma or Megatron or whatever her name is, do with the White House. Naturally there will be lots of gold accents; but I’m more curious what good causes the FLOTUS will take on. Encouraging young girls to be models, the plight of women who can’t find a rich husband, raising awareness of the benefits of eating disorders, these are just a few things that I’ve considered as possibilities.

But what of him, The Donald aka Trumpster aka the Big Man aka Grubstubber aka Grumpy (by the Secret Service), is he ready to be president of this United States? I will tell you honestly that I know more about his possible penis size than his policies. But we have been endlessly told that he will win, that America will be great again and that America will win at everything. Every. Thing.

Here’s some of the info I have culled from his rallies:
He will build a wall to prevent illegals from coming in to this country illegally. Not only will it get built but Mexico will pay for this wall! I missed the part in the speech about how he would solve the problem of anyone digging a tunnel, driving across with phony ID’s or flying in via another country. Also, I’ve never heard of any Slovenian models coming in through Mexico. But these are details that are way over the head of a normal voter like me.

As stated earlier, and as he will tell you many, many times, Trump wants to make America great again by winning with China and Vietnam and Mexico. Were you aware that Nabisco, makers of the Oreo cookie, moved their plant to Mexico? Winning with China is important. I cannot over stress this; we must win. Nabisco moved to Mexico and America must win. I think Donald says it better than me:


So Ford – great company. Theyre building a $2.5 billion car factory in Mexico.

Now, they’re closing up places all over the United States. They’re building this massive factory in Mexico.

So I wnt to this great school. I was actually – you know, I was totally still am really smart. I went to this great place – the Wharton School of Finance – hardest school to get into. Even then it was hard to get into. The hardest. But I went to this great business school and I get business. And I fully understand. Really good at this stuff. You know, Mexico is the new China. The other day, Nabisco – Nabisco. Oreos. Right? Oreos. I love Oreos. I’ll never eat them again. Okay? I’ll never eat them again.

No. Nabisco closes a plant. They just announced a couple of days ago in Chicago. And they’re moving the plant to Mexico. I’ll never eat Oreos again. Never.


Okay, maybe he didn't say that much better than me, but he's so commanding when he says it!

Another thing that makes him so appealing is his strong promise to commit war crimes! Waterboarding is just child’s play compared to what he wants to do; like kill innocent people. As long as they’re Muslims.

Recently he demanded that his followers take a pledge to vote for him. This seems all up in up and perfectly American, doesn’t it?


"Can I have a pledge? A swearing? Raise your right hand."

The Republican front-runner then had the audience repeat after him.

"I do solemnly swear that I, no matter how I feel, no matter what the conditions, if there are hurricanes or whatever, will vote on or before the 12th for Donald J. Trump for President."
The crowd ended the pledge with cheers.
"Now I know. Don't forget you all raised your hands. You swore. Bad things happen if you don't live up to what you just did," Trump said before continuing with his speech.


Now, I now what you’re thinking, “but Velveeta, what about all those protesters that get thrown out?” Well what about them? Trump wants to bring our damaged country together and I for one say we let him.


After the protesters were ejected, Trump remarked on "the hatred, the animosity" and the division in America today, seemingly laying the blame at the feet of President Barack Obama.
"You know, we have a divided country, folks. We have a terrible president who happens to be African-American. There has never been a greater division than just about what we have right now. The hatred, the animosity. I will bring people together. You watch," Trump said.


To sum it up: America will win and be great again and winning with China and Mexico. Illegals will not be able to scale the ginormous wall and the ones that are here will be rounded up and sent back with their babies in tow, while Muslims will be denied entry. And through all this hard work, he will bring people together again. While winning.

What more could you ask for?

1 comments (Latest Comment: 03/06/2016 18:49:46 by TriSec)
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