Velveeta has come to her senses and is now looking forward to a Donald Trump presidency reign. Perhaps it was all that exhilarating talk of his penis size or the fact that a single white woman with a flair for accessorizing doesn’t have to fear the rowdy people at his rallies. Or maybe it’s the absolute power that he yields when he can hold up his tiny hands with his Vienna sausage like little fingers and convince us that they’re perfectly normal sized. That’s Commander in Chief material.


So it’s decided – we are all in for The Donald and giddy with excitement at seeing what First Lady Melanoma or Megatron or whatever her name is, do with the White House. Naturally there will be lots of gold accents; but I’m more curious what good causes the FLOTUS will take on. Encouraging young girls to be models, the plight of women who can’t find a rich husband, raising awareness of the benefits of eating disorders, these are just a few things that I’ve considered as possibilities.

But what of him, The Donald aka Trumpster aka the Big Man aka Grubstubber aka Grumpy (by the Secret Service), is he ready to be president of this United States? I will tell you honestly that I know more about his possible penis size than his policies. But we have been endlessly told that he will win, that America will be great again and that America will win at everything. Every. Thing.

Here’s some of the info I have culled from his rallies:
He will build a wall to prevent illegals from coming in to this country illegally. Not only will it get built but Mexico will pay for this wall! I missed the part in the speech about how he would solve the problem of anyone digging a tunnel, driving across with phony ID’s or flying in via another country. Also, I’ve never heard of any Slovenian models coming in through Mexico. But these are details that are way over the head of a normal voter like me.

As stated earlier, and as he will tell you many, many times, Trump wants to make America great again by winning with China and Vietnam and Mexico. Were you aware that Nabisco, makers of the Oreo cookie, moved their plant to Mexico? Winning with China is important. I cannot over stress this; we must win. Nabisco moved to Mexico and America must win. I think Donald says it better than me:



Okay, maybe he didn't say that much better than me, but he's so commanding when he says it!

Another thing that makes him so appealing is his strong promise to commit war crimes! Waterboarding is just child’s play compared to what he wants to do; like kill innocent people. As long as they’re Muslims.

Recently he demanded that his followers take a pledge to vote for him. This seems all up in up and perfectly American, doesn’t it?



Now, I now what you’re thinking, “but Velveeta, what about all those protesters that get thrown out?” Well what about them? Trump wants to bring our damaged country together and I for one say we let him.



To sum it up: America will win and be great again and winning with China and Mexico. Illegals will not be able to scale the ginormous wall and the ones that are here will be rounded up and sent back with their babies in tow, while Muslims will be denied entry. And through all this hard work, he will bring people together again. While winning.

What more could you ask for?