Okay, okay..... it's time that Velveeta comes clean. I've been doing some soul searching and I think I am now prepared to come out and say.... I was a member of the "coven" that Christine O'Donnell spoke of.

Yes, it is true! But, I was young and misguided - there was also a cute boy involved. Let's just say I've changed a lot since then; matured into a normal woman that believes that America was founded by Jesus and given to us to have domain over the land, to hunt and fish and genetically modify the fruit and to cut taxes for the wealthy people who create jobs. People like Paris Hilton and Justin Bieber.

But, as usual, I have digressed.

Before I tell you the story of that night, lets go back to what Christine said on the show about the "date" back in 1999.



It's true that my friends and I were members of a cult - some of them are still in the cult - though it was not a witchcraft coven as she alleged, rather it was Scientology!

My friends targeted her for membership because she was so..... what's a nice way to say this? Trusting? Yes, we'll stick with that. She was very sweet and seemed to be searching for something.

So, our friend picked her up and took her to dinner at the Olive Garden, which is often used by our cult to subdue, or "drug" our perspective recruits. No, we do not put anything in the food, the Olive Garden has a superb selection of doughy, oily food that is high in carbohydrates and zero in protein and served in quantities that would satisfy a small starving nation in Africa. The menu is practically a legal version of a "roofie".

Once she was lulled into submissiveness, she was taken to the "alter" where the rest of us had already gathered. Now, we were NOT in black robes, like she said. It was the late 80's - everyone wore black! We were all just going through our Robert Smith / Morrissey phase.

Anyway, part of the initiation to become a member of Scientology is to get a reading of the recruit with our electro-psychometer (E-meter). Simply a meter that the auditor reads, while the victim, er, recruit holds two long silver handles that are attached to the meter with wires.

Here is what happened when I review the audio tape that we made of that night:

James (her date): Here you go, sit down here and get comfortable

Christine: Who are all these other people, should I take off my top?

James: They are other auditors that are learning.... wait, what?

Christine: Oh, is that blood on the table? Should I lay on the table?

James: I think that's red ink, no, please don't... no, get off the table, please just sit....

Christine: .... okay, I'm ready (ripping noise) oh please.... don't make it hurt too much....

James: Really, seriously, get off the table! What the hell are you doing? Please stop..... let go of the E-meter..... that is very expensive... give me that..

Christine: OH! I give myself to satan!

James: WHAT? Stop! Put that down! Don't put that in..... Oh ... No.... stop!

Christine: Blood... bloood.... blooooooooddd.....

James: Ahh! Stop! Stop! No! That's it! You are going home.

Christine: YES! I will drink Satan's blood! YES!

James: Let GO OF ME! HELP! HELLLP!

(screaming can be heard from various people and there is a loud "slam")

Christine (from behind a door): Call me!!

Thus ended our Scientology meeting place as our license was revoked by Mr. Cruise.