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Goodbye World!
Author: velveeta jones    Date: 05/22/2011 15:27:31

Good Morning bloggers! At least to those of you who remain upon this Earth. You know who you are. Since there is no dispute that Yours Truly will be Raptured to Heaven on this day (Saturday May 21, 2011) I am hereby writing my obit.

Enjoy. I know I did.

Velveeta Jasmynn Mae Jones was born in 19__ in the very small town of Hilton Manor, GA. She spent her youth chasing boys and writing poetry under the shade of the Weeping Willow trees by the pond. An ardent church-goer and staunchly dedicated Southern Baptist it is without question that she will be taken by Jesus during the Rapture.

Married in High School to her high school dropout sweetheart Derek Tiberius "Mudflap" Jones (distant cousin) she dropped out of High School to begin her life as a mother and Bible school teacher. Unfortunately it was later learned that her devoted husband was ill-prepared to make babies except for one alleged occasion on a drunken night with an unknown woman at the local watering hole. (Woman later claimed to have had many children by Derek, but we think she was lying as more than a few of them - well let's just say they didn't take after our family).

Marriage with Derek just wasn't working well as he rarely came home from the bar and when he did, he would accuse Velveeta of sleeping with his brother Dale. (Actually, she was sleeping with his other brother Woody, but don't tell Jesus).

In the spring of 19__ a divorce was granted by Judge Sam-Bob Smith and Velveeta was free to do as she pleased.

Leaving the confines of the small town was paramount and so she packed her valise and headed to Atlanta that very year. Once there, Velveeta joined a church and secured a job as a secretary for the Pastor.

Velveeta lead a quiet life without sin, never touching a drop of alcohol, dancing, smoking or flirting. Up in the morning doing her daily devotionals, then to work, then home and to bed after prayers. Despite what some other ladies in Atlanta may have alluded to is purely innuendo and scuttlebutt! Why, it was only in the past few years that she came to the internet. And, to make sure that she didn't stray, she had her Pastor insure that parental controls were installed in her laptop.

Velveeta Jones lived a good life, close to God and never uttering a bad word about anyone. And so, it is with an unquestioning joyfulness and melancholy that I will soon be walking the Heavenly streets paved in Gold where nothing bad ever happens; while you that are left reading this will be dodging brimstone and fire.

Goodbye. Please have someone go to my apartment and feed my cat, Miss Dolly Parton-Puss.


************************************

UPDATE: Sunday May 22, 2011.

Crap.
 

8 comments (Latest Comment: 05/23/2011 06:27:29 by livingonli)
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