Velveeta the Decider! Author: velveeta jonesDate:02/10/2008 13:26:30
What better thing to do on a Sunday then lay in bed and day dream about how much better things would be if I were in charge. So over coffee and cheese grits I’ll just jot down a few things I want changed, while the world outside me flutters and flails into the abyss of the putrid trash heap we have created.
First up. Solving the biggest problem facing our great country today: Stupidity. Our last Decider brought an abundance of the stuff. In fact, this country is awash in stupidity and decisive action must be taken quickly to halt it. The obvious solution is a tax on stupid people.
Now, I am willing to consider, should Congress balk, with a proportional tax based on how stupid a person is. For example a person that occasionally watches a game show on TV, is not as stupid as a person that doesn’t think mankind has had any affect on the planet and is therefore not in any way responsible for global warming. However, a person that stays glued to a television, watching every reality show ever made and is up to date on the current jail/rehab status of Britney, Lindsay and Paris at any given moment, is, at the very least equal to a neo-con who doesn’t believe in global warming or evolution. Subscription(s) to People and/or Star magazine(s) notwithstanding.
Of course, your Decider is not without compassion. The real kind, not the phony “I’ll-say-I-care-about-you-and-want-to-help-you-while-your-homes-and-jobs-are-washed-away-by natural-disasters-and-then-complain-aloud-why-you-didn’t-leave-or-get-out-of-the-way-sooner” kind of compassionate person. No, no, Velveeta will only tax those whose brains have the capacity for being smart, but choose not to. After all, there must be incentive for stupid people to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and rise above their situation in life - and they would thereby be rewarded by paying little or no Stupid Tax.
How to keep this problem from becoming an even larger epidemic will involve many scientists and other smart people consulting with Velveeta the decider. But based on this evidence from Dr. Mike Judge on his Idiocracy study, we can see how stupid people have evolved. Though some, like our last decider, are admittedly an anomaly.
Here is a synopsis of his case study on the Stupidity Evolution:
As for Health Care, there is much discussion among all those pseudo-deciders as to what is best for the American people. Our countrymen and women have suffered long enough from listening to these blowhards and their complicated plans. Velveeta’s plan is simple: every non-stupid American will have the finest health coverage provided at no cost and paid for by Wal-Mart, because they have been screwing us for far too long.
My health plan will be uncomplicated involving no paperwork and will include drug coverage.
Speaking of drugs, It is always important to have drugs for those many ailments, allergies, phobias, conditions, syndromes, addictions, disorders, diseases and dysfunctions that prevail us all.
But these drugs need to be thoroughly tested on humans, otherwise we have the continued problems with side effects and interactions. Therefore your decider will demand that people who contribute nothing to advance our society shall be test subjects in order to insure the drugs’ safety. They will consist of pimps, pedophiles, hired killers, wife beaters, Corporate CEO’s, rapists and the like.
Concerning marijuana, this drug will be legal for use for everything from hang-nails, to cancer to male pattern baldness.
Under Velveeta, it will be acceptable for gays to come in the military, thereby pumping up our troops. Not co-incidentally, the military bases and barracks will get major makeovers and the mess halls will earn extra money through catering.
Based on the premise that all Americans have freedom of religion, every church in America will not have a leader(s). Instead, they will run on an Anarchist type system wherein each member will be equal to every other member. Those that wish to remain in a Patriarchal system will be considered a cult and required to put all their collected money, buildings, property and other assets, into a large pool to be split with other cults. In this way no one cult will be stronger than another.
And, speaking of cults. If you happen to be in an area that has a Church of Scientology nearby, today there are worldwide demonstrations! Why? Not really sure. But sure to be extremely amusing. I thought about going to Atlanta to see what’s really going on, but the price of gas coupled with my sense of activist priorities won out. Which is why I am able to sit in bed sipping coffee and eating cheese grits, with you. My friends.
Being the tax and spend liberal that I am, Velveeta would repeal all property taxes except for multiple homes. Second home, pay up. This leads me to our ultimate tax. A tax that will pay for schools, hospitals, parks, and library’s: Over-Children Tax. This is right up there with Stupid Tax for resourcefulness! Velveeta is pretty darn genius if you ask Velveeta!
You see my fellow Americans, God intended us to have only two children per couple. That is why we have bunk beds and cars with only two back doors! Lets be honest. The only reason people have children is so that you’ll have someone take care of you in your old age. If you can’t breed 1 out of 2 that will be able to meet that challenge, then you probably never will.
But some people are greedy. They want to have many children which end up clogging our schools, parks, hospitals and make the lines longer for the rides at theme parks. As evidence I present the Duggar family, which yes, has a reality show. These people have 17 children! Shocking! What’s worse, they’ve named each child a name that begins with the letter “J”. This seems all good and fine until you start running out of “J” names, and are forced to name one of the little ruffians “Jinger”. Child cruelty if you ask me!
Want to have lots of kids? Under Velveeta’s rule, you’ll have to pay for any over two of them. Adoptions will be excluded, except of course single lesbians adopting Chinese babies.
There would be libraries on every block next door to the free health clinics and government funded rehabs. NPR would be played throughout America’s malls and Federal buildings.
I’m sure I have many other brilliant plans, but for now this Decider has a pressing duty to refill her coffee cup. It is, after all, hard work being the Decider. Ahhhhhhh.