Last night Mitt Romney accepted the nomination of the presidential candidate for the Republican party. He was completely overshadowed by the star power and generally bizarre spectacle of Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair. Nonetheless he delivered a speech full of general terms, meaningless phrases about America, and attacks on a straw man version of President Obama which didn't resemble him in the least.

Here then is the text of his speech, with my inner and outer thought bubble added. I apologize for the length, but that's really Romney's fault, right?

======================================================

Mr. Chairman, delegates. I accept your nomination for President of the United States of America.
I know you wanted anyone else but me, but - oh well

I do so with humility, deeply moved by the trust you have placed in me. It is a great honor. It is an even greater responsibility.
but most of all, it's the death-knell of the Republican party

Tonight I am asking you to join me to walk together to a better future. By my side, I have chosen a man with a big heart from a small town. He represents the best of America, a man who will always make us proud – my friend and America’s next Vice President, Paul Ryan.
or next president - I get that confused sometimes

In the days ahead, you will get to know Paul and Janna better. But last night America got to see what I saw in Paul Ryan – a strong and caring leader who is down to earth and confident in the challenge this moment demands.
telling the truth being the greatest challenge

I love the way he lights up around his kids and how he's not embarrassed to show the world how much he loves his mom.
I was surprised the first time I saw him lighting one up, but hey - he's the younger generation

But Paul, I still like the playlist on my iPod better than yours.
the bands I like don't hate me

Four years ago, I know that many Americans felt a fresh excitement about the possibilities of a new president. That president was not the choice of our party but Americans always come together after elections. We are a good and generous people who are united by so much more than what divides us.
except when it comes to party politics - then it's scorched earth

When that hard fought election was over, when the yard signs came down and the television commercials finally came off the air, Americans were eager to go back to work, to live our lives the way Americans always have – optimistic and positive and confident in the future.
and then the Republicans in Congress got together...

That very optimism is uniquely American.
Because no other country in the world has optimisim. Really...

It is what brought us to America. We are a nation of immigrants. We are the children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren of the ones who wanted a better life, the driven ones, the ones who woke up at night hearing that voice telling them that life in that place called America could be better.
better if the Republicans weren't there, but I digress...

They came not just in pursuit of the riches of this world but for the richness of this life.
and I can certainly tell you about richness

Freedom.

Freedom of religion.

Freedom to speak their mind.

Freedom to build a life.

And yes, freedom to build a business. With their own hands.
and plenty of government assistance

This is the essence of the American experience.
your results may vary

We Americans have always felt a special kinship with the future.
especially Star Wars - I love that movie

When every new wave of immigrants looked up and saw the Statue of Liberty, or knelt down and kissed the shores of freedom just ninety miles from Castro’s tyranny, these new Americans surely had many questions. But none doubted that here in America they could build a better life, that in America their children would be more blessed than they.
unless you're from Mexico

But today, four years from the excitement of the last election, for the first time, the majority of Americans now doubt that our children will have a better future.
THE VERY FIRST TIME EVER!

It is not what we were promised.
Can you believe Obama thought Republicans in Congress would act like adults?

Every family in America wanted this to be a time when they could get ahead a little more, put aside a little more for college, do more for their elderly mom who’s living alone now or give a little more to their church or charity.
mostly - they wanted the banks to quit robbing them blind

Every small business wanted these to be their best years ever, when they could hire more, do more for those who had stuck with them through the hard times, open a new store or sponsor that Little League team.
as opposed to all the previous years when they wanted it all to suck

Every new college graduate thought they'd have a good job by now, a place of their own, and that they could start paying back some of their loans and build for the future.
but unfortunately, you can't make a living posting on Facebook

This is when our nation was supposed to start paying down the national debt and rolling back those massive deficits.
caused by the Bush tax cuts

This was the hope and change America voted for.

It’s not just what we wanted. It’s not just what we expected.

It’s what Americans deserved.
but - not to beat a dead horse - Republicans in Congress ensured THAT would never happen

You deserved it because during these years, you worked harder than ever before. You deserved it because when it cost more to fill up your car, you cut out movie nights and put in longer hours. Or when you lost that job that paid $22.50 an hour with benefits, you took two jobs at 9 bucks an hour and fewer benefits. You did it because your family depended on you. You did it because you’re an American and you don’t quit. You did it because it was what you had to do.
because the CEO really needed that bonus, and if he can get you to do the job of two people - he will

But driving home late from that second job, or standing there watching the gas pump hit 50 dollars and still going, when the realtor told you that to sell your house you’d have to take a big loss, in those moments you knew that this just wasn’t right.
because after all - you're not an idiot

But what could you do? Except work harder, do with less, try to stay optimistic. Hug your kids a little longer; maybe spend a little more time praying that tomorrow would be a better day.
sell some stock, move some investments around... oops - did I say that out loud?

I wish President Obama had succeeded because I want America to succeed. But his promises gave way to disappointment and division. This isn't something we have to accept. Now is the moment when we CAN do something. With your help we will do something.
Give Congress back to the Dems!!

Now is the moment when we can stand up and say, “I’m an American. I make my destiny. And we deserve better! My children deserve better! My family deserves better. My country deserves better!”
better than me anyway, but hey - what are ya gonna do?

So here we stand. Americans have a choice. A decision.

To make that choice, you need to know more about me and about where I will lead our country.
fat chance though - I only speak in broad general platitudes.

I was born in the middle of the century in the middle of the country, a classic baby boomer. It was a time when Americans were returning from war and eager to work. To be an American was to assume that all things were possible. When President Kennedy challenged Americans to go to the moon, the question wasn’t whether we'd get there, it was only when we'd get there.
This has nothing to do with me, but I hope you'll make some sort of connection

The soles of Neil Armstrong's boots on the moon made permanent impressions on OUR souls and in our national psyche. Ann and I watched those steps together on her parent's sofa. Like all Americans we went to bed that night knowing we lived in the greatest country in the history of the world.
because she let me touch her boob

God bless Neil Armstrong.
gratuitous applause line, I know

Tonight that American flag is still there on the moon. And I don't doubt for a second that Neil Armstrong's spirit is still with us: that unique blend of optimism, humility and the utter confidence that when the world needs someone to do the really big stuff, you need an American.
I have the utter confidence part down - still working on the rest...

That's how I was brought up.
ummmm... wut?

My dad had been born in Mexico and his family had to leave during the Mexican revolution. I grew up with stories of his family being fed by the US Government as war refugees. My dad never made it through college and apprenticed as a lath and plaster carpenter. And he had big dreams. He convinced my mom, a beautiful young actress, to give up Hollywood to marry him. He moved to Detroit, led a great automobile company and became Governor of the Great State of Michigan.
don't ask about his birth certificate

We were Mormons and growing up in Michigan; that might have seemed unusual or out of place but I really don’t remember it that way. My friends cared more about what sports teams we followed than what church we went to.
my friend's PARENTS on the other hand...

My mom and dad gave their kids the greatest gift of all – the gift of unconditional love. They cared deeply about who we would BE, and much less about what we would DO.
we were human BEings, not humans DOing...

Unconditional love is a gift that Ann and I have tried to pass on to our sons and now to our grandchildren. All the laws and legislation in the world will never heal this world like the loving hearts and arms of mothers and fathers. If every child could drift to sleep feeling wrapped in the love of their family – and God’s love -- this world would be a far more gentle and better place.
except for children in Iran - they need to be bombed

Mom and Dad were married 64 years. And if you wondered what their secret was, you could have asked the local florist – because every day Dad gave Mom a rose, which he put on her bedside table. That's how she found out what happened on the day my father died – she went looking for him because that morning, there was no rose.
the florist was open very early and Dad went there before Mom got out of bed, and... um.. yeah - I know this story makes no sense

My mom and dad were true partners, a life lesson that shaped me by everyday example. When my mom ran for the Senate, my dad was there for her every step of the way. I can still hear her saying in her beautiful voice, “Why should women have any less say than men, about the great decisions facing our nation?”
We laughed about that... long and hard

I wish she could have been here at the convention and heard leaders like Governor Mary Fallin, Governor Nikki Haley, Governor Susana Martinez, Senator Kelly Ayotte and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.
then she'd know what a succesful woman was REALLY like

As Governor of Massachusetts, I chose a woman Lt. Governor, a woman chief of staff, half of my cabinet and senior officials were women, and in business, I mentored and supported great women leaders who went on to run great companies.
but none of them filled that empty hole where mom used to butter my toast and cut the crusts off

I grew up in Detroit in love with cars and wanted to be a car guy, like my dad. But by the time I was out of school, I realized that I had to go out on my own, that if I stayed around Michigan in the same business, I’d never really know if I was getting a break because of my dad. I wanted to go someplace new and prove myself.
so I fled the draft to France

Those weren’t the easiest of days – too many long hours and weekends working, five young sons who seemed to have this need to re-enact a different world war every night. But if you ask Ann and I what we’d give, to break up just one more fight between the boys, or wake up in the morning and discover a pile of kids asleep in our room. Well, every mom and dad knows the answer to that.
it's called locking the bedroom door. It makes so much sense now

Those days were toughest on Ann, of course. She was heroic. Five boys, with our families a long way away. I had to travel a lot for my job then and I’d call and try to offer support. But every mom knows that doesn't help get the homework done or the kids out the door to school.
it was hard to offer support from the hotel bar. It was like she could smell the bourbon on my breath over the phone. I know the church doesn't allow it, but sometimes you have to wander in the wilderness, if you get my drift

I knew that her job as a mom was harder than mine. And I knew without question, that her job as a mom was a lot more important than mine. And as America saw Tuesday night, Ann would have succeeded at anything she wanted to.
except for a humility competition

Like a lot of families in a new place with no family, we found kinship with a wide circle of friends through our church. When we were new to the community it was welcoming and as the years went by, it was a joy to help others who had just moved to town or just joined our church. We had remarkably vibrant and diverse congregants from all walks of life and many who were new to America. We prayed together, our kids played together and we always stood ready to help each other out in different ways.
just as long as they had money to tithe to the church

And that’s how it is in America. We look to our communities, our faiths, our families for our joy, our support, in good times and bad. It is both how we live our lives and why we live our lives. The strength and power and goodness of America has always been based on the strength and power and goodness of our communities, our families, our faiths.
none of this has anything to do with being president of course, but ....

That is the bedrock of what makes America, America. In our best days, we can feel the vibrancy of America’s communities, large and small.
in our worst days, we can feel the vibration of the "magic fingers" bed in the room next door because the walls in this crappy motel are paper thin

It’s when we see that new business opening up downtown. It’s when we go to work in the morning and see everybody else on our block doing the same.
that's how we do it in Stepford

It’s when our son or daughter calls from college to talk about which job offer they should take….and you try not to choke up when you hear that the one they like is not far from home.
because you know it means they're moving into the basement

It’s that good feeling when you have more time to volunteer to coach your kid’s soccer team, or help out on school trips.
or knowing you made a cool million outsourcing jobs to China

But for too many Americans, these good days are harder to come by. How many days have you woken up feeling that something really special was happening in America?
Cialis can help

Many of you felt that way on Election Day four years ago. Hope and Change had a powerful appeal. But tonight I'd ask a simple question: If you felt that excitement when you voted for Barack Obama, shouldn’t you feel that way now that he’s President Obama? You know there’s something wrong with the kind of job he’s done as president when the best feeling you had was the day you voted for him.
although if that's the best feeling you've ever had, I suggest you get out more

The President hasn’t disappointed you because he wanted to. The President has disappointed America because he hasn’t led America in the right direction. He took office without the basic qualification that most Americans have and one that was essential to his task. He had almost no experience working in a business. Jobs to him are about government.
Just like my running mate Paul Ryan

I learned the real lessons about how America works from experience.
i.e.: screwing over other people and taking all the money

When I was 37, I helped start a small company. My partners and I had been working for a company that was in the business of helping other businesses.
more accurately - helping ourselves to other businesses' capital

So some of us had this idea that if we really believed our advice was helping companies, we should invest in companies. We should bet on ourselves and on our advice.
everyone knows when it comes to betting, the house never loses

So we started a new business called Bain Capital. The only problem was, while WE believed in ourselves, nobody else did. We were young and had never done this before and we almost didn’t get off the ground. In those days, sometimes I wondered if I had made a really big mistake. I had thought about asking my church’s pension fund to invest, but I didn't. I figured it was bad enough that I might lose my investors’ money, but I didn’t want to go to hell too. Shows what I know. Another of my partners got the Episcopal Church pension fund to invest. Today there are a lot of happy retired priests who should thank him.
fortunately, the government bailed us out

That business we started with 10 people has now grown into a great American success story. Some of the companies we helped start are names you know. An office supply company called Staples – where I'm pleased to see the Obama campaign has been shopping; The Sports Authority, which became a favorite of my sons. We started an early childhood learning center called Bright Horizons that First Lady Michelle Obama rightly praised. At a time when nobody thought we'd ever see a new steel mill built in America, we took a chance and built one in a corn field in Indiana. Today Steel Dynamics is one of the largest steel producers in the United States.
but that's nothing compared to the bullshit I am able to produce on a daily basis

These are American success stories. And yet the centerpiece of the President’s entire re-election campaign is attacking success. Is it any wonder that someone who attacks success has led the worst economic recovery since the Great Depression? In America, we celebrate success, we don't apologize for it.
and if we're congressional Republicans - we try to prevent it when there's a Democrat in the White House

We weren’t always successful at Bain. But no one ever is in the real world of business.
of course I still got paid

That’s what this President doesn’t seem to understand. Business and growing jobs is about taking risk, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding, but always striving. It is about dreams. Usually, it doesn't work out exactly as you might have imagined. Steve Jobs was fired at Apple. He came back and changed the world.
Business and government are two completely different things of course. I hope that thought isn't crossing your mind. Perhaps I should move on

It’s the genius of the American free enterprise system – to harness the extraordinary creativity and talent and industry of the American people with a system that is dedicated to creating tomorrow’s prosperity rather than trying to redistribute today's.
oh please oh please oh PLEASE don't redistribute my wealth.

That is why every president since the Great Depression who came before the American people asking for a second term could look back at the last four years and say with satisfaction: "you are better off today than you were four years ago."

Except Jimmy Carter. And except this president.
and George H.W. Bush... shhhh!

This president can ask us to be patient.
something Americans have never been known for

This president can tell us it was someone else’s fault.
it was, but that's not important right now

This president can tell us that the next four years he’ll get it right.
except he isn't, but you'll accept this implication as fact, right?

But this president cannot tell us that YOU are better off today than when he took office.
Of course I am, but then - I am in the top 1%

America has been patient. Americans have supported this president in good faith.
except for the Republicans

But today, the time has come to turn the page.

Today the time has come for us to put the disappointments of the last four years behind us.
and vote the Republicans out of Congress

To put aside the divisiveness and the recriminations.
like I said...

To forget about what might have been and to look ahead to what can be.
Chris Christie 2012 did NOT happen, so get over it

Now is the time to restore the Promise of America. Many Americans have given up on this president but they haven’t ever thought about giving up. Not on themselves. Not on each other. And not on America.
AMERICA!!! FUCK YEAH!!

What is needed in our country today is not complicated or profound. It doesn't take a special government commission to tell us what America needs.

What America needs is jobs.

Lots of jobs.
unfortunately, Bain outsourced them all. Sorry about that...

In the richest country in the history of the world, this Obama economy has crushed the middle class. Family income has fallen by $4,000, but health insurance premiums are higher, food prices are higher, utility bills are higher, and gasoline prices have doubled. Today more Americans wake up in poverty than ever before. Nearly one out of six Americans is living in poverty. Look around you. These are not strangers. These are our brothers and sisters, our fellow Americans.
This is why we need to remove what little regulations are left so that the free market can bring prices down. It makes more sense if you squint your eyes whilst hitting yourself repeatedly in the crotch with a ball peen hammer.

His policies have not helped create jobs, they have depressed them. And this I can tell you about where President Obama would take America:
with his dog on the roof of the car no less... oh wait - that's me

His plan to raise taxes on small business won't add jobs, it will eliminate them;
never mind that he's not raising taxes on small businesses

His assault on coal and gas and oil will send energy and manufacturing jobs to China;
because they can get to the oil under our soil by drilling through the center of the earth

His trillion dollar cuts to our military will eliminate hundreds of thousands of jobs, and also put our security at greater risk;
never mind that opposing this clashes totally with the ideology that we need to reduce government spending

His $716 billion cut to Medicare to finance Obamacare will both hurt today's seniors, and depress innovation – and jobs – in medicine.
not really - Ryans' plan to convert Medicare to Vouchercare will do that. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

And his trillion-dollar deficits will slow our economy, restrain employment, and cause wages to stall.
Don't ask me to explain how. No one really knows. It's like faith and religion - you just don't ask

To the majority of Americans who now believe that the future will not be better than the past, I can guarantee you this: if Barack Obama is re-elected, you will be right.
actually I can't guarantee anything... just trust me

I am running for president to help create a better future. A future where everyone who wants a job can find one. Where no senior fears for the security of their retirement. An America where every parent knows that their child will get an education that leads them to a good job and a bright horizon.
and we all have flying cars and orgasms at the touch of a button

And unlike the President, I have a plan to create 12 million new jobs. It has 5 steps.
all vague and overly optimistic

First, by 2020, North America will be energy independent by taking full advantage of our oil and coal and gas and nuclear and renewables.
but mostly oil coal and gas, because we all know that "renewables" is code for hippy-fag tree-hugger shit. If I could pin one of those bastards down, I'd give them a haircut they'd NEVER forget

Second, we will give our fellow citizens the skills they need for the jobs of today and the careers of tomorrow. When it comes to the school your child will attend, every parent should have a choice, and every child should have a chance.
of course - every school has limitations on the number of students it can accomodate, so actually not *every* child will have a chance - most of them will still need to go to the sucky schools

Third, we will make trade work for America by forging new trade agreements. And when nations cheat in trade, there will be unmistakable consequences.
like moving the jobs over to their countries. THAT'll show 'em

Fourth, to assure every entrepreneur and every job creator that their investments in America will not vanish as have those in Greece, we will cut the deficit and put America on track to a balanced budget.
because somehow, these things are related. I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm rich, so you'll trust that I know what I'm talking about anyway

And fifth, we will champion SMALL businesses, America’s engine of job growth. That means reducing taxes on business, not raising them. It means simplifying and modernizing the regulations that hurt small business the most. And it means that we must rein in the skyrocketing cost of healthcare by repealing and replacing Obamacare.
who needs safety regulations? Losing an arm (or all of your investors' money) is all just part of "doing business". And hey - Romneycare!

Today, women are more likely than men to start a business. They need a president who respects and understands what they do.
And I'll understand as soon as someone can give me a definition for "brothel"

And let me make this very clear – unlike President Obama, I will not raise taxes on the middle class.
President Obama has actually lowered taxes, but who cares about the truth?

As president, I will protect the sanctity of life. I will honor the institution of marriage. And I will guarantee America's first liberty: the freedom of religion.
as long as you're Christian and believe that abortion is the government's decision - not yours. You all got that coded message, right?

President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans and heal the planet. MY promise...is to help you and your family.
because it's impossible to do both. Fuck the planet

I will begin my presidency with a jobs tour. President Obama began with an apology tour. America, he said, had dictated to other nations. No Mr. President, America has freed other nations from dictators.
Yes, I know this is more complete bullshit. I gave up my soul for power and riches. Suck it

Every American was relieved the day President Obama gave the order, and Seal Team Six took out Osama bin Laden. But on another front, every American is less secure today because he has failed to slow Iran's nuclear threat.
9/11!! - or something...

In his first TV interview as president, he said we should talk to Iran. We're still talking, and Iran’s centrifuges are still spinning.
but not as fast as my father in his grave

President Obama has thrown allies like Israel under the bus, even as he has relaxed sanctions on Castro's Cuba. He abandoned our friends in Poland by walking away from our missile defense commitments, but is eager to give Russia's President Putin the flexibility he desires, after the election. Under my administration, our friends will see more loyalty, and Mr. Putin will see a little less flexibility and more backbone.
In other words - I will return our foreign policy to 1962

We will honor America’s democratic ideals because a free world is a more peaceful world. This is the bipartisan foreign policy legacy of Truman and Reagan. And under my presidency we will return to it once again.
word soup!

You might have asked yourself if these last years are really the America we want, the America won for us by the greatest generation.
the America fucked in the bung by the Bush Adminstration's failures

Does the America we want borrow a trillion dollars from China? No.
we borrow it from the Social Security fund like TRUE Americans

Does it fail to find the jobs that are needed for 23 million people and for half the kids graduating from college? No.
McDonald's is hiring

Are its schools lagging behind the rest of the developed world? No.
No Child Left Behind!... oh - that's taken? Oops

And does the America we want succumb to resentment and division? We know the answer.
of course it does - we Republicans have assured that!

The America we all know has been a story of the many becoming one, uniting to preserve liberty, uniting to build the greatest economy in the world, uniting to save the world from unspeakable darkness.
and then fracturing along political and socio-economic lines

Everywhere I go in America, there are monuments that list those who have given their lives for America. There is no mention of their race, their party affiliation, or what they did for a living. They lived and died under a single flag, fighting for a single purpose. They pledged allegiance to the UNITED States of America.
you know - that idea that the country as a whole is more important than the states - hence the "united"

That America, that united America, can unleash an economy that will put Americans back to work, that will once again lead the world with innovation and productivity, and that will restore every father and mother's confidence that their children's future is brighter even than the past.
but it will require bring those outsourced jobs back and over-paid CEOs to share more of the success, so THAT will never happen

That America, that united America, will preserve a military that is so strong, no nation would ever dare to test it.
unlike now, where we are tested on a daily basis, am I right?

That America, that united America, will uphold the constellation of rights that were endowed by our Creator, and codified in our Constitution.
because they aren't upheld now. Don't ask me for examples - I have none

That united America will care for the poor and the sick, will honor and respect the elderly, and will give a helping hand to those in need.
Ha-ha... just kidding

That America is the best within each of us. That America we want for our children.

If I am elected President of these United States, I will work with all my energy and soul to restore that America, to lift our eyes to a better future. That future is our destiny. That future is out there. It is waiting for us. Our children deserve it, our nation depends upon it, the peace and freedom of the world require it. And with your help we will deliver it. Let us begin that future together tonight.
Re-elect President Barack Obama!