Dear Readers, today Velveeta is taking nominations for names of the soon-to-be new states that were formerly called Texas and Utah. As you know, Obama has sent the military in to take over these two states, as well as parts of Colorado, California and Nevada via a plan called Jade Helm 15.
In case you have no clue what I'm talking about go to YouTube and search "Jade Helm 15" you will be inundated with horror stories!
But let me calm you down. Jade Helm 15 is simply a military operation to put gun-toting Right Wingers/Tea Party nuts into concentration camps and render these areas - currently called "Hostile" - as peaceful utopias full of organic farms, low income housing, mixed use lands, communes and farmers markets on every corner. Yes, Obama is starting his plan of taking away guns and housing undesirables in WalMarts all over the country! Celebrate the closing of big box stores and the beginning of the United Socialist States of North America!
Texans and all other right wing nuts, you should start panicking! Run around, scream, make signs, wave flags, go to town hall meetings, write your representatives (though, they are mostly in on it anyway) jump up and down, make YouTube rambling screeds, get the Governor of your state to send in the National Guard, start counter operations of your own! Hurry! Soon the military will be knocking on your door to take away your guns and force you to divorce your white spouse to be replaced by a multi-ethnic one that raises pygmy goats and rides the bus to work at the local co-op food store. Get yourself fitted for sandals made of hemp and faux leather that were made by hand in Guatemala and imported through a fair trade agreement.
Seems ya'll were right all along! Obama is a Kenyan born socialist who is about to make big changes. In 10 years we'll all be sitting by the fire-pit sipping wine instead of beer, and reminiscing about pick up trucks, county fairs, Christianity and country singers.
Possible new names for Texas that are in the running: Old Texas, Mexicas, Leningrad, Mother Jones Land, WarrenBuffetville, South Woodstock. Got any other ideas that we can submit to the committee to rename?
In the meantime I think it's best you just turn in your guns right now, make it easier on yourself. Just walk up to one of the "Bloods" or "Crips" gang members (who will soon all become the new socialist police) and give them all your guns, knives, hunting gear, Gadsden flag laden pickups and Suburbans and please begin dismantling your homes so that we can use the land for organic farming and cooperative free range chickens.
I hear tell that one of the plans is to target some of you for death by a panel of death squads, but maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones. Have you written a letter and make a video yet? Get on that.
I know, you miss this fine American. Too bad.