Whew! Oh, hello 4Fers! I'm so happy to find you! The TPT was on the fritz due to a recent worker shortage and I was worried I'd land somewhere in the dark web or worse. Let me explain:
Howdy everyone! It's Velveeta from the future -- the year is 2024 and Donald Trump is still President and CEO.
Here's what happened. Remember back in 2016 when.... oh sorry, it's not 2016 yet is it? Well, back in 2016 Donald Trump made a proposal to voters after Rand Paul ended up winning the Republican nomination for President. He said that if people could prove that they voted for him by sending him a copy of their certified write-in absentee ballot along with their 2015 Tax return, then Trump would pay them based on the amount of money they made in 2015. It seemed kind of funny at the time, and yes I, like many others probably thought the same thing. Sure I want
Hillary to win and I'm sure she will win; but man could I use that cash.
So, yeah, I voted for him and received $600.
There were many like me. People just assumed that each of them were laughing at the thought of a President Trump, but the power of money was too much. Of course the Rand Paul supporters believe in the power of the Free Market, so they were really all over this offer. While the other side of the Republicans, the Marco Rubio crowd (Rubio lost his bid when supposedly nude photos of his junk where found on his lost cell phone which turned up in a hotel. A few years later, we learned that the real, uh, "instrument" belonged to a Dominican gardner that worked for President Trump).
Donald Trump won in a landslide. I know many of us regret our decision but what can we do now? Congress works for him. No, I mean they actually work for him; draw a paycheck and get benefits from him. And the Supreme Court was disbanded not long after we bombed Iran.
Oh yeah, we bombed Iran. And our long war with Europe continues. It's been a rough one, but President Trump assures us that we are winning. Here's what happened. Right after taking office, Trump decided to renegotiate the Iran deal. He used his "walk away" technique which the Iranians knew he was going to do since that was a major part of his platform. He "walked away" and they pretty much said, "fuck you then". The other countries were pissed off, especially the UK, France and Germany. England's PM took to the airwaves to publicly scold Trump to which Trump fired back via his reality show, "President Trump's America" (later called "Presidential Apprentice" by season 3).
Long story short, he bombed Iran and started a war with almost everyone else. At this point, if a country is not fighting with us, it's only because they want to continue to be paid and have a spot on TrumpTV.
So I thought maybe I'd use my one-time use of the TrumporTer (the TPT - a time machine supposedly invented by Trump as seen on his reality show "Make America Great Again: Invention Apprentice") to warn ya'll. Though I see nothing has changed yet, so I guess you either didn't heed the message, or, I forgot to hit "post" on this complicated thing. Here, in 2024 we have no need for computers or phones of any sort. The Trump Chip implanted in our brain allows us to communicate as well as turn on our virtual TrumpTV to watch.... uh oh. Hold on.
I just got a Trumpet, which if you remember Twitter is something along those lines. President Trump is about to hold a Press Conference. I'll give you the play by play.
The music is swelling to a dramatic tone and I see Trump in his Limo alongside Secretary of Defense/Miss Universe Inga Weatherton (it's rumored that she may be Mrs Trump number 8, but I hate to give out spoilers. Let's just say there has been a lot of flirting leading up to the commercials). Now we hear him talking to his Secretary of State and TV programing Miss Alabama, saying how upset he is that China is complaining about the quality of the clothing that we're making here in this country.
Cut to Trump is getting out of his car while Miss USA is leading us in the Pledge of Allegiance to the United States of Trump. This is now followed by the public flogging of an inmate from Trump Towers Penitentiary. We are being told this criminal was caught trying to cross the border into Mexico. Most of our crime now-a-days has to do with this.
Oh, Ryan Seacrest has been selected to emcee this press conference after winning "Chopped: Best Plastic Surgery Edition" last season. He looks wonderful, though a bit more wooden than usual.
Lots of fanfare as Trump makes his way to the stage. He's at the platform and looking around. Here we go:
Today, as I look around this fabulous swimming pool and water park which was once wasted land occupied by a bunch of vegetable gardens and roses and I see all these young people having such fun because they don't have to fight in a war, because they are previous winners of "The Apprentice: Beauty and Brains Edition" I ask myself, why is it that so many of you are not working hard enough to win these wars we are in? I mean come on. Really? Okay so here's the deal. Starting today we are going to cut back on our bombing of Europe, because I know that you're all tired of Europe, and starting today we are going to bomb the heck out of.........
CRAP. Sorry, he looked into the camera for a long pause while the music swelled and we went to commercials. They last for a couple of hours and my time in the TPT is about over. Gee, I wonder who we'll start bombing? Well, I switch to some old reruns of "Celebrity Apprentice" until Trump/Fox News comes back on with the rest of the show, er, Press Conference.